


Observing

by AsakuraHannah



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bromance, Brother/Brother Incest, Drama, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Sleeping Pills
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-23
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-04-27 17:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 30,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5057395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsakuraHannah/pseuds/AsakuraHannah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Realizing Lukas got his boyfriend, Emil got depressed. He was failed to notice someone who's been watching him from nearby when his mind was too preoccupied with Lukas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Re-posting this old fic I've written because I might continue this ;)
> 
> (Names from wikia) : Denmark (Mikkel), Norway (Lukas), Iceland (Emil), Hong Kong (Xiao)
> 
> Thanks for my friend who had beta-read this fic.

Emil looked over to the telephone which was ringing not far from where he sat. He groaned at it, blaming it for not letting him have a peaceful time. He knew the person who was calling him at this late hour. He got up from the sofa lazily to pick up the phone that was ringing nonstop.

"Hello..." Emil groaned when he heard his older brother's voice on the other line.

"What now? It's almost midnight here and I was about to get some rest!" Emil messaged his temples as he let out another groaning: not hiding his annoyed tone at all. He could hear his brother hissing at him.

Lukas noticed another costumer walk into the café where he was working as a part-time job. He hissed at his younger sibling who was annoying him on the phone. Well, who could blame him, it was almost midnight after all, and he was sure that Iceland had already headed to his room when the phone rang. But he couldn't just leave things as they were. As usual: his stupid boyfriend apparently loved to make things harder to handle. When he can't go pick up his drunken boyfriend to bring to his or their home, it was Iceland who always did it for him. Like tonight, when everything at work is very busy. And he couldn't leave at the very moment since he was still waiting for his friend to cover him. And the so called friend is late. God knows how many times he had cursed his friend for being careless.

"You know I can't get out from the cafe right now since I got night shift this week. SO, can you please pick up that idiot in the pub? I will text you the place and roads name to your mobile. Yes, I know Emil, again. I owe you, so, please? Yea, just bring him to our house. Thanks." Lukas hangs up when the costumer called him. He quickly rushed to the cashier when he noticed there are a few lines already. He mentally cursed his friend again, not counting of how many times he had done it this night.

* * *

Emil gave a sighed when he walked out of his car and slammed the door shut. As he walked inside the pub, he looked around to found a familiar Danish man. After a few steps inside, he noticed him hunched over the bar. He shook his head and walked over him, nudging Mikkel.

"Hey! Wake up already. Let's go home!" Emil pulled his arms when the large man stirred awake. The blonde hair man looked up with a questioning look, obviously annoyed that someone disturbing him. His facial expressions change when he noticed who was standing beside him. His face lightened up and he pulled his boyfriend's brother toward him.

"Emil! Good to see you here! Wanna have some drink?" Emil cringed when he was pulled closer to the Danish. He could smell the alcohol from his breath, which was awful. He tried to resist him especially when he noticed that the bartender in front of him was staring with an annoyed look. Emil shifted his gaze somewhere else other than the two; he knew by the look of it that Mikkel and he had to get out from the pub as soon as possible. Half dragging the drunken Mikkel, Emil tumbled on his feet when he felt the weight of the taller man.

"Come on, Dan. We need to bring you home soon or Lukas will kill me." Emil ignored his protest and swung his arm on his shoulder, trying to make his balance between Mikkel and himself. The waitress not far from the door looked relieved when she saw them going to go home. Iceland muttered a thanks to her when she opened the door and get out from the uncomfortable situations.

Much to his relief, Mikkel did not resist as much as he usually did. Emil knew that there must be something wrong between him and Lukas that made him drunk. Mikkel sure loved to drink a lot, but the man sometimes knew his limit. It was only recently that Mikkel drank this heavily. Emil knew he rarely drank this much before; it's gotten worse in these past few weeks.

Emil pulled the car door open and shoved Mikkel onto the front seat. Once he was sure that the belt was buckled up, he closed the door and walked toward the driver seat. Emil breathed a sigh of relief once he closed the door. A moment of silence passed through them and Emil really thought his brother's boyfriend had gone to sleep. He looked beside him to find that Mikkel was staring off into space: obviously thinking about something.

"What happened to you and Lukas this time?" Emil asked as he turned on his car. Making sure the door was locked; Emil opened the car's window to look behind so he could get out from the parking lot safely. When he received no answer, Emil looked to the blond man again with and frowned. Those blue eyes slowly turned to look at him their eyes met for a moment before Mikkel gave a hard sigh.

"I don't know..." That answer only made Emil arch his eyebrows in annoyance. He didn't mind being the one Mikkel spilled his frustrations to; after all he had done it a few times when Emil got to take him home. Emil shook his head, the Danish decided to hide something from him now? That's odd. He used to have a big mouth and could never stop talking.

Deciding its time for them to ride home, Emil started to drive within the odd silence. He didn't even bother to turn on the radio to break it.

* * *

Emil turned on the light of the room before he looked behind him to watch the man as he walked up the small stairs in front of the house. Emil quickly moved to helped him when he noticed Mikkel's feet accidentally slipped between two steps. After struggling to make him get inside, he finally decided that letting him sleep upstairs was not a very good idea after all. He told the Mikkel to wait on the couch by the fireplace while he brought blankets and a pillow for him to sleep on. Mikkel only grunted; as if not caring what Emil decided, as he tried to make himself comfortable on the couch that Emil had told him to sit on.

As he walked downstairs with blankets and pillow in both of his hands, Emil heard a few noises from the front house. He noticed the voice of his brother who had parked his motorcycle not far from their car. After rolling his eyes at how carefree his brother was, Emil walked over to Mikkel who had fallen asleep on the couch. Stopping in front of him, the silver haired guy slowly covered him with blankets putting the pillow underneath his head. He noticed his brother had already arrived inside the house and was standing nearby the entrance of the room watching them.

"Got home already?" Emil slowly turned around to look at Lukas who was leaning against the door frame.

"Yes. He asleep?" Lukas eyes shifted to Mikkel who was lying on the couch.

"Yea..." Emil nodded and walked toward him. He stopped when Lukas raised his hand, blocking Emil from walking past him. Their eyes met for a moment before Lukas gave a small smile.

"Do you love him, Emil?" Emil's eyebrows rose until they were hidden behind his bangs, puzzled by the question his older gave him.

"No." He said almost immediately but Lukas chuckled at him, slowly raising his hand to touch Emil's cheek softly.

"You don't have to lie to me, Emil. I can see how much you care for him." Emil batted his hand away from caressing his cheek, glaring at his brother. He could felt his cheek heat up only by the small touch. Upon seeing his reaction, Lukas's smiled wider at him and turned to pat his head instead.

"Then, why are you blushing?" Lukas asked, daring him to answer. Emil bit his lip and quickly turned around to run up to his room and slammed the door shut. He missed the look on Lukas's eyes which were saddened by his reaction. Looking at the Dane who was rousing from the couch, he gave a small smirk.

"You were pretending to be asleep..." Lukas crossed his arms as he said the statement.

"Don't tease him too much, Luke." Mikkel scrathed his head as he looked at him. Lukas rolled his eyes while he walked toward him and sat down on the couch. He eyes turned serious when he looked at him in the eyes. Lukas brought his hands up to cup Mikkel's cheek and stared deeply into those blue orbs. Mikkel; who was still tipsy, stared at him with half opened eyes, blinked as he fought back his sleepiness.

"I love you, Lukas." Mikkel whispered and leaned his forehead against Lukas's shoulder. Norway slowly wrapped his hands around Mikkel's nape and kissed his ear gently.

"I know... I'm sorry for doubting you with Emil. But I think he needs someone he could love other than you. Next time I will be the one who take you home from the pub." Lukas whispered back at him, tangling his hand on his hair softly. Mikkel slowly looked up at him before leaning down to kiss him on the lips. He was glad the Norwegian guy responded immediately, even though he still tasted like beer.

* * *

Emil closed his eyes as he covered his ears at the sentences Lukas just said. He had tangled himself inside his blankets in his room and had never turned on the light after he locked his door shut. He could felt his cheek still lingered at the feeling of Lukas's soft touch. Lukas had made a mistakes on discovering his feelings, he did not know if he should be glad or not about it. The way he looked at him in the eyes, the way he patted his head, the way he touched him... it was all brotherly love. Nothing more than that! Emil shook his head and he bit his already bleeding lips, but he barely felt the pain as he pressed his forehead against the pillow as hard as he could. He wasn't sure of what to do about his beating heartbeat. His brother's slightest touch raised such feelings as to drive him crazy!. These feelings... he shouldn't have them in the first place. It was so wrong... to fall in love with your own brother.

"But I love him..." he whispered softly in the middle of silence. He slid his hand under the covers to his pillow and found a picture of Lukas. Bring the photo to his chest, Emil turned to his side and fall asleep.

**TBC**


	2. Secret

Emil awakened to the ring tone from his mobile. He sat up as he rubbed his eyes while his hand ran to his small table beside him to grab his mobile. He flicked the phone open and pressed it against his ear, muttering a 'hello' to whoever called him.

" _Hey, are you still in bed? Don't we have classes today?"_ A familiar voice made Emil awaken from his sleepiness. Emil looked at the caller's name on the screen for a moment before groaning when he noticed the clock on the screen. He did have some classes to attend today, but he was far too lazy to go.

"I'm... not attending today... Xiao." He grumbled at his so-called best friend. He swung his leg to the floor and walked toward his wardrobe to get clean clothes.

" _Oh, okay. Let's go somewhere else for today. Do you want to?"_ Emil paused for a moment. It's too damn early right now.

"Okay, but let's go meet somewhere before lunch-" Emil was cut off with a sudden loud beep against his ear. He hissed as he pulled his phone away: the battery had died. Cursing, he walked over to plug his phone into the charger and called Xiao back for the meeting time.

* * *

Lukas looked up from his newspaper when his brother walked into the dining room, still in his pajamas. He smiled a little at him before hiding his face behind the newspaper again, making Emil twitch at his act. Emil took a seat across from his brother and took a licorice and some bread then began eating.

"Don't you have classes today?" Lukas asked after a moment of silence. Rolling his eyes at the same questions, Emil shook his head.

"Today is holiday… on purpose." Emil muttered: making Lukas lower the newspaper as one eyebrow rose. Seeing Emil only shrugged at the questioning look, Lukas sighed and flipped the newspaper before he took his coffee.

"Where's Mikkel?" Emil asked, looking at Lukas straight in the eyes. Lukas stared back for a moment while slurping his coffee.

"... He's still sleeping in my room."

"Ooh…"

"…"

Emil was surprised when Lukas suddenly leaned his face toward him. Startled, Emil quickly backed away and hit the back of his head on the chair's back. He hissed at the pain and glared at Lukas, blaming the cause of it. The older doesn't seem to care though.

"Emil, I want to ask you, why do you love that idiot? He's too loud and too stupid for you, Emil. Not to mention that he drinks a lot." The younger looked at him puzzled for a moment before he snorted.

"Then why are _you_ dating him?" Emil pushed Lukas's face away from him with his hand. He could feel his heart beat quicken. _Not too close, damn it._ Lukas looked away from Emil's gaze when his brother asked him that question. He had been wondering about that for a while already, but still not finding the answer to it. Lukas looked up when Emil suddenly stood up from his seat. He watched his brother take some bread from the plate and stuff some of it in his mouth.

"If Xiao comes here, tell him I will be ready." He muffled between chewing as he waved his brother off. Lukas rolled his eyes at him.

"Fine…" he replied with an annoyed tone.

* * *

"So..." Xiao stared at Emil who was munching on his licorice in a rather carefree attitude. Emil looked up from his plate to stare back at his golden eyes. Xiao had ended up coming to his house much earlier, it looked like the Hong Kong guy had come straight to his house right after he knew that Emil was not going to attend his classes. He just went inside his room when Lukas told him Iceland was still in his room. He barged inside without knocking, making Emil shriek at him in the middle of pulling down his shirt from on top of his head. Xiao ended up laughing at the way he shrieked, no doubt, Lukas had done it on purpose in annoyance of his brother's absence from classes.

"What?"

"After he mistook your feelings toward Mikkel, you didn't say anything to deny it?" Xiao was now putting his chin on his palm, smirking at Emil's change of expressions. The silver hair guy hesitated for a bit before he leaned back into his chair, nodding. Emil was surprised when Xiao suddenly snorted and starting to laugh.

"What are you laughing at?" Emil banged his fist on the table, fully annoyed with his very best friend who was laughing at him. Xiao was cupping his mouth when Emil started to get mad, but he couldn't help it. Taking a breath after a few minutes composing himself, Xiao gave a loud sigh He noticed that Emil was still glaring at him though, but then he leaned back on the side of the bed.

"Why don't you just let him know? I'm sure you two can talk about it." Emil rolled his eyes at him and threw a small pillow which he previously had been leaning on. It missed hitting Xiao's face, much to Emil's dismay, since the guy had such good reflexes. Growling at his missing: Emil grabbed another pillow and moved over to Xiao and pressed the pillow against his face forcefully.

"Stop it!" Xiao muffled as he tried to push away the pillow on his face. Something slipped from inside the pillow's cover catching both of them off-guard. As hard as Emil tried to catch the fallen object as fast as he could, Xiao was quicker and snatched the photo from his reach, observing it. To Emil's horror the brunette was staring at the photo on his hand with a disbelieving look.

"Give that back!" Emil shrieked when Xiao pushed him to get a better look at the photo.

"I didn't even know that you saved Lukas's photo inside your pillow cover." Xiao waved the photo in front of Emil who tried to snatch it but failed. Emil grumbled at him with a red face.

"Could it be that you are actually... you know, whatever boys did when they have a wet dream after..." Xiao smirked when he noticed Emil spluttering at his statement giving the indication that he was right. Xiao looked closer at Lukas's curved lips on the photo in an expression he rarely showed to anyone. In that photo, it seemed to actually be shown towards Mikkel who was standing not far from him and Mikkel was actually smiling back at Lukas. Much to Xiao's dismay: it looked like it was Mikkel that is the center of the attention in the photo, not Lukas. It would be no wonder that Lukas was suspicious of Emil's being in love with his boyfriend instead of himself. Xiao changed his glance toward Emil who was silent with a frown on his face. He let out a chuckle as he ran his hand to pat Emil's silver hair.

"There's nothing to be ashamed about that." Xiao chuckled at him when Emil swatted his hand away.

"Its not that easy, you know it!" Emil hugged the pillow against his chest tighter while glaring at him.

The door suddenly opened and Emil gasped sharply, snatching the photo from Xiao's hand and quickly slipped it inside the pillow's cover. Both looked up at Lukas who was peeking inside the room with his usual stoic face.

"W-what? Don't just barge in without knocking!" Emil said annoyed. He sure was hoping that his brother was not just barging inside without reason.

"I was going to ask you to buy some ingredients for lunch, which is if you are going to eat at home. I will have to go after that to the cafe." Lukas waved a small paper, showing him the list of things Emil needed to buy. Emil groaned when he looked at the paper, then threw the pillow on his bed.

"Why me?!"

"I'm making a soup already; I can't just leave it alone. You need to go buy it for me. Now, since I need to go as soon as possible." Lukas patted his back when Emil walked outside the room after snatching the paper Lukas pressed against his face.

"Xiao, you should go with me!" Emil ordered his friend, making the Hong Kong guy roll his eyes.

"Fine."

After the two guys had walked outside the room, Lukas changed his gaze on the pillow Emil was hugging earlier. He noticed some part of a paper detach out from the cover, curious; Lukas slid it out and found a photo. His eyes scanned the photo carefully with a shaky hand. He never knew that Emil got Mikkel's photo in his possession. Not to mention he never recognized that he had _that_ kind of expressions when he was with Mikkel. Lukas gave a sigh before he decided to speak to Mikkel about this.

* * *

Mikkel looked at Lukas doubtful when Lukas showed him the photo that was hidden inside Emil's pillow. He took the photo for better observing before he beamed happily at Lukas who raised an eyebrow.

"Look, Lukas! He got your photo when you are smiling! Maybe it's because of that he saves this photo under his pill-" Mikkel was unable to finish his sentences when Lukas's fist connected his cheek painfully.

"Be serious for once, will you?! He had your photo in his pillow, Mikkel!" Lukas said exasperatedly as Mikkel rubbed his sore cheek.

"What can I do anyway, Luke? Maybe you should be mad at Emil instead of me? You know, being angry with me is not helping at all. I can't do anything about it. What do you want me to do? Tell him to stop loving me? Like that's gonna work that easy." Mikkel groaned when Lukas glared at him.

"Don't look at me like that… You should talk to your brother about it. He's not my responsibility."

"Why would Emil have my photo with him? It doesn't make sense to me at all, Mikkel. What should I talk about with him? I tried but he's just backing away from me. Remember that night when you went home with him? I asked him that question, but he walked away from me instead and locked himself in his room." Lukas ran his hand to his disturbing bangs to keep them away from his eyes. They stared at each other for a moment before Mikkel broke the silence.

"Could it be that he's actually in love with you?" The Danish man laughed after his joking statement, making Lukas's veins pop out.

"I told you to take things seriously!" He shouted, trying to howl between Mikkel's laughter. Mikkel looked at him in-between his laugh tears: wiping them off, he let out a chuckle at Lukas's face.

"Okay, okay. I'm joking. You have nothing to worry about, Lukas. The person I'm in love is you. You don't have to be scared of losing me!" Mikkel pointed his thumb to himself proudly, making Lukas roll his eyes.

"I'm just worried that my little brother will get his virginity taken by you, pervert." Lukas growled, looking away in shame when Mikkel said the actual truth. They had been together for quite long enough to make Mikkel see through him. Lukas looked up when Mikkel suddenly put his hand on his shoulder with his usual grin plastered on his face. He closed his eyes when he noticed Mikkel leaned down to capture his lips, brought his hand around his neck for deepening their kiss. They went into their own world until Emil gave a small cough, breaking them apart. Both blushed when they saw how the silver hair guy looked at them annoyed.

"Emil…" Lukas started and stopped when he saw Emil glaring at Mikkel. Mikkel blinked at him innocently.

"Can't you do that somewhere else?" He put the plastic bag on the table and walked upstairs to his room, followed by Xiao. Staring at Emil, Mikkel rubbed the back of his neck in confusion.

"He seems angry at me, not at you. Do you really think that Emil loves me, Luke?" Lukas messaged his temple tiredly.

"I will have to leave in a few minutes. I got to make lunch and prepare dinner for those two."

"Don't you want to cook me dinner?" Mikkel gave a big grin when Lukas shot him a look.

"What about your job hunting, Mikkel?" he nudged his boyfriend away from his path to take the plastic bag Emil had left on the table.

"Well, no luck." Mikkel muttered with a shiver as Lukas threw him a death glare.

"I will ask my boss for a replacement. We're in need for a part-timer right now." That sure made Mikkel give a loud yell.

"Thank you, Lukas! I love you!" making the Norwegian jump in surprise.

"Shut up! You are too loud!"

* * *

Xiao looked at the door when he heard the shout. Wanting to know Emil's reaction at that shout, he looked at Emil who was busy searching for something in his drawer.

"What are you searching for?" Xiao asked as he sat on the bed with his new manga in hand. He threw the plastic wrap to the trashcan after he crumpled it in his fist. He noticed that Emil took out a small transparent tube and gave a groan before he threw the tube back inside his drawer. Raising an eyebrow at his strange behavior Xiao closed the manga and looked over him.

"Do you need help?" he blinked when Emil suddenly turned toward the door.

"I'm going to buy medicine in the drug store near here. You can wait for me if you want to. Sorry, Xiao. That boyfriend of my brother is probably going to stay over the night again." Emil quickly opened the door and departed, leaving his best friend alone in his room. Xiao stared at Emil puzzled, not understanding how the medicine and Mikkel's staying over in his house related at all. He gaze shifted to the unclosed drawer and stood up approaching it. He took the empty small tube Emil had taken before to read the description on it. His frowned deepen when he read the medicine's descriptions.

"Sleeping pills…?" he mumbled to himself. _'Why did Emil need sleeping pills? I never noticed him taking them before when I stayed over last time."_ Xiao looked at the opened door with an anxious feeling rising inside of his chest.

_**TBC** _


	3. Worried

Xiao was staring at the silver hair boy who sat in front of him. He wasn't sure of what to ask Emil about the sleeping pills he was taking. The fact that Emil was taking those pills until the bottle became empty made him arch an eyebrow at the thought. Who would want to take those pills in such a healthy state? As far as he knew, Emil did not have insomnia; even if he did, Xiao would be the first to know as Emil always told him every single thing after all. Drinking the milk from its straw, Xiao kept his eyes locked on Emil's face in a deep thought, not realizing that Emil had noticed him staring in such an odd way. He was surprised when Emil's hand suddenly pushed his face backward, catching him off guard.

"What are you-" Xiao stopped when he realized what he was just doing.

"I called your name and you did not answer other than staring at me like that. What's wrong with you?" Emil huffed at him as he pulled his hand away.

Xiao rubbed his nose. "Nothing."

"Like hell I'm going to believe that. You've been staring at me as if you are ready to eat me anytime you can." Emil rolled his eyes when Xiao grinned at him.

"I'm sure ready to eat you anytime, since you are so cute."

Snorted at him sarcastically, Emil rose to his feet. "Come on, class is going to start soon." He gave up seeking answers from his best friend. Emil walked a few steps while staring at Xiao to follow him. He stopped on his track when his head suddenly felt heavy. Xiao who was observing him quickly caught the silver haired guy before he fell. Wincing at the pain shooting through his head, Emil hissed, catching a hold of himself in Xiao's arms.

"Are you alright?" Xiao asked him in worried, his arms did not let go of Emil until he was sure that Emil could stand properly. Receiving a grunt replied from the guy, Xiao ran his hand to Emil's forehead, checking his temperature.

"I'm alright…" He heard Emil muttered when his palm met his forehead. They both looked at each other when Emil realized Xiao did not plan on letting go of him anytime soon. Purple orbs met golden, face only inch apart, both not knowing that they had held their breath for the closeness. Blushing at the way Xiao treated him, Emil slowly pulled away, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Let go of me, idiot. People are staring…" The Icelandic guy muttered, pushing Xiao's arm away around him.

"I won't let go if you still not feeling alright." Xiao said firmly, surprising Emil with his retort.

"I'm alright! Don't embarrass me and yourself, idiot. Stop acting like Norway did. You are over-reacting." Emil hissed as his face was all red.

"It's okay to react overly if it is you that need to be watched over. Maybe you should go home and rest? I will take you home." Xiao stopped pulling Emil closer when the silver hair guy batted his hand away and made some distance with an annoyed look.

"Quit it, Xiao! I'm alright!" Emil turned around and left his best friend alone. Xiao frowned went deeper. He looked at the palm that had touched Emil's forehead. The guy didn't have any fever, but he actually felt a bit colder rather than hotter.

Someone grabbed his shoulder from behind, startling the Hong Kong guy who was surprised at his lack of self guard. Whipping his head around in surprise, he found he was face to face with none other than Yong Soo, his half sibling. The Korean grinned at him as his hands roamed to Xiao's chest, making him grimace.

"Yong Soo! Stop that!" he hissed and struggled to break free from his naughty caresses. He elbowed him on his stomach, making Yong Soo wince.

"Oww that hurt!" He muttered and letting go of his brother, he rubbed his stomach.

Xiao raised an eyebrow as Yong Soo's Korean-soul-curl looked like it was crying above his forehead. "What are you doing here? You shouldn't just come inside the cafeteria on the campus." His brother's high school was close to Xiao's, and he often trespassed to eat his lunch in the cafeteria. The only reason the Korean gave was that the food is much more delicious. Xiao didn't mind actually, but the hanbok Yong Soo always wore surely caught attention. He had reminded him numerous times already, but Yong Soo was so proud of his traditional South Korean outfit that he didn't listen. In the end Xiao just let him be.

"I saw it, da-ze!" Yong Soo exclaimed and leaned his face closer to the slightly taller guy.

"S-saw.. what?" That only made Yong Soo chuckle and wave his forefinger in front of Xiao's face.

"Don't try to lie to me, Xiao. I knew you are in love with that guy just now. You are hugging him closely but then you got dumped." Yong Soo crossed his arms with amusement when he saw his brother's face turned red.

"I… I'm not!" Xiao defended himself, as he took a step backwards in shame that he had been caught.

"Don't worry, don't worry. I know you two are 'friend' and nothing else. Don't worry; no one will object that, at least not in our family." Yong Soo gave him a pat on his shoulder. Xiao frowned at him for a moment.

"He's the same as you, Yong Soo." Yong Soo blinked at him at the suddenly serious tone from Xiao's. He cocked his head in question, not understand the meaning behind those words. Xiao walked back toward his previous seat, mentioning the Korean guy to follow him. Yong Soo sat down beside him, remaining silent in order to let his sibling pour his heart out.

"He loves his own brother." Xiao muttered the words, making Yong Soo's eyes sparkles in surprise.

"Like me and Hyung-nim?" he referred their oldest brother, Wang Yao, the Chinese guy who is their eldest sibling. Receiving a nod of reply, Yong Soo looked down, not knowing what to say. How unusual of him to stay quiet like that; usually he was so full of energy that he pissed the Hong Kong guy off a lot.

"So… you love him?" Yong Soo broke the silence; daring to look up at Xiao.

"But he only loves his brother. That brother of his already has a boyfriend." Xiao whispered, as silently as he could as if afraid that anyone could overhear them. Yong Soo leaned closer to hear what he was saying. He frowned at Xiao who was mourning over it. The Xiao that he knew was always so careless about everything and was not afraid to take a risk.

"What are you afraid of?" Yong Soo's question made Xiao shoot him a look. "I didn't think I have such a pathetic brother. All I need to say is go for it. If you really love him then just go with it. Follow where your heart leads you to."

Xiao stared at his grinning sibling and snorted. "That sounds like what you are going to do."

Yong Soo laughed. "Well, confidence originated in me, da-ze!" The Korean crossed his arms proudly.

"What I'm wondering about is… actually… Have you ever felt… so desperate that you had to drink some pills and attempt to hurt yourself?" Xiao asked, staring deep into Yong Soo's eyes. Yong Soo opened his mouth and closed it again.

"I… I will proudly say that I had never thought that way before. I have to say that actually I'm grateful that, that time, Kiku-hyung had left the house for good. If he hadn't left, maybe I would think that way as well. And Hyung-Nim… he's just hurting, so all I'm thinking about is his safety and trying to cheer him up as best as I could. So, I never think about hurting myself, because Hyung-Nim always comes first. That guy… did he do something terrible to himself?" Yong Soo eyes tried to make Xiao look at him but those golden orbs were looking away from him. Upon receiving no answer from his sibling, Yong Soo shrugged. They both were startled when a voice they knew very well was calling out to them.

"Yong Soo?! What are you doing here?" Their eldest brother shouted at the Korean who flinched in surprise. Both brothers looked up to see Wang Yao walking toward them with an displeased expression.

"Shoot, Hyung-Nim! I have to go!" Scrambled on his feet, Yong Soo quickly ran off, saving himself from the lecture. Xiao chuckled as he watched his younger brother escape. He changed his glance toward Yao who grumbled when Yong Soo ran off.

"That kid… He didn't skip his lessons, did he?" Yao stopped walking once he stood near Xiao. Both golden eyes looked at each other before Yao smiled.

"Do you have something that you want to share with me?" Yao's question made Xiao blink at him in surprise. He never thought that Yao could know about his trouble by just looking at him. Seeing his surprised face, Yao chuckled at him and brought his hand to pat Xiao's head.

"I'm your brother, you know. Of course I will know, aru." Yao sat down beside Xiao and put his chin on his palm.

Xiao looked down at the unfinished drink and shook his head. "I don't want to trouble you with my problem. Aren't you busy with classes right now?"

"No, aru. Tell me. Or if you think you can handle the things on your own, then I won't ask." Xiao stared into his brother's curious eyes, he couldn't help but smile. Shaking his head, the brunette rose to his feet.

"Nothing I can't handle, right now. I will tell you when things get out of hand."

Yao looked up at him, not happy with what he just heard.

"Are you sure about that, aru? I mean, if things got worse, it might be too late already."

Xiao chuckled when the Chinese guy asked him with a worried tone. "We'll see about it." He turned around and headed to the building, leaving Yao staring at him puzzled.

* * *

Emil walked inside his room sighing as he threw his body on the bed. Finally, he could have some rest after a long tiring day. After a few moments of silence, he slowly sneaked his hand inside his pillow cover to see Lukas's photo that he was hiding. When his hand found nothing, he quickly sat up picked up his pillow. His hands trembled when he peeked inside and there was nothing, not even a single paper inside. His mouth opened agape with shock as he discovered his brother's photo was gone! Did Lukas find it? As far as he remembered, Lukas never cleaned his bedroom since Emil started junior high school. Did he see the photo he was hiding inside the pillow that time, when Xiao found out? Did Xiao take the photo?

Emil quickly jumped off the bed and rushed to his bag. After he found his mobile phone, he quickly dialed his best friend's number.

"Pick it up… pick it up… quick…!" Emil gave a sharp breath when he heard a voice on the other line.

" _Hello? Emil?"_

"Hey, Xiao, is Lukas's photo still with you? Did you bring it with you? I remember last time when you found out about it…"

" _No… What happened to it?"_ Emil's eyes widened and he clenched his fist around his phone.

A soft knock against his door and Lukas's voice made him unable to think clearly.

"Emil, can we talk for a moment?" Lukas who did not wait for his brother to answer, invited himself inside the room. Lukas expression was unreadable as usual, but he knew what he was going to talk about. Not to mention that the photo he was searching for was nowhere to be found.

" _Emil…?"_

Emil didn't answer the phone as he lowered it, pressing the end of call button. His eyes were never leaving Lukas.

' _I'm screwed'_

_**TBC** _


	4. Step Brother

**Chapter 4 : Step Brother**

" _Emil…?"_

Emil didn't answer the phone as he lowered it, pressing the end of call button. His eyes were never leaving Lukas.

' _I'm screwed'_

"What is it?" Emil found himself asked his brother, he felt a lump on his throat as he swallowed his saliva. Lukas was staring at him right into him, making him uneasy under his gaze.

"Is that Xiao you were calling?" Lukas made himself comfortable on Emil's bed, eyes never leaving his brother's face. He watched as Emil shifted his gaze away from his eyes, a frowned formed on his eyebrows.

"Yes… why?"

"Nothing… you two seem very close. Are you two… you know, together?" Lukas received a shot of surprised look.

Emil was staring at him as if he was crazy. He wondered why his brother always got wrong thoughts of him. "He is my best friend! That's odd. Why are we talking about this, anyway?"

Emil brought his knees up to his chest, hugging them as his lips starting to form a pout. _And here I was; worried sick that he might have known…_ Emil felt his chest clenched painfully, he had promised to himself that he shouldn't think too much about it. Parts of himself really want Lukas to know about his feelings, and the other doesn't want him to know. Emil held his breath when Lukas sighed.

"I just want you to have at least someone you can share your problems with… Being together with…"

"Isn't that enough with just being… friends? What? You want me to start dating him?"

Lukas blinked at the sarcasms in his tone. "Why can't we talk without you being angry? Emil… You do know that… Mikkel is-"

"Your boyfriend. I know, you don't have to worry about it. I'm not going to steal him away from you. He's like a brother to me." Emil frowned went deeper when Lukas stood up from his bed and approaching him. Watching Lukas crouched down right in front of him made Emil's hands form into fists. _Not too close…_

"What about me? You never call me Onii-chan." Lukas expression was never change, but Emil could see a hint of sparkles inside his eyes. The Icelandic boy was now gaping at him like a fish.

"What is wrong with you, all of the sudden?! I'm not calling you that!" _Not if I have feelings for you!_

"Why? Because you are not really my brother? But I still see you as my brother." Lukas raised his hand to touch Emil's head, only to be slapped away. He retreat his hand in surprised by the sudden act coming from the younger guy. Emil's face was flustered as he stood up, fists shaking while he glared down at his so called brother.

"Get out." He managed to choke the words. He wants Lukas to go out from his room as soon as possible. He didn't know how long he could hold in his tears and anger. Lukas's eyes widened at the sudden command. He slowly stood up as he watched Emil's trembling figure.

"What is wrong with you?! This is not only your house!"

"Yes, this is not mine, not yours either! But I want you to get out of my room… please?" Emil added the last word as not to sound too harsh toward his elder.

"Not until we talk properly. Do you want me to leave this house? Fine, let me search for more decent job and I will leave, if that's what you want me to do. But that doesn't solve anything, Emil!" Lukas grabbed Emil's shoulder to make Emil keep their eyes contact.

"I will give Mikkel to you, Emil, if you really love him. But don't be like this, please? You are my brother; I don't want you like this."

Emil slowly struggled as he tried to break free from Lukas. Emil gasped sharply when Lukas suddenly pulled him into a hug.

"I don't love him!" Emil's hands were now pushing his brother away. He felt his anger rose when Lukas mentioned Mikkel. Give Mikkel to him?! That sounds so wrong in so many ways. He never thinks that way toward the guy.

"Let me go, Lukas! Please? I…" Emil gave a pant as he felt himself suffocated at the harsh treatment. His brother was stronger than he thought. Not only that, this physical contact was killing him.

"Aren't you going to say something?" Lukas slowly let him go; he blinked when Emil's face was so red now. Slowly touching his feverish cheek, Lukas was surprised when Emil suddenly pushed him away harshly. His brother ran passed him and outside the room, leaving him dumbfound.

"Emil!" Lukas followed him outside of the room. He stopped chasing when Emil grabbed his bag and ran outside the house. Lukas sighed harshly as he ran a hand through his hair when he heard the door being slammed shut.

"What have I done?" He punched the nearest wall in frustration, clenching his eyes tightly as he gritted his teeth. He doesn't know what to do. He has no idea what is happening to his little brother that he raise so well ever since they were little. He tried his best to make him happy, raise him like his own little brother. A single tear landed on the floor as Lukas cried silently.

* * *

Emil was gasping for breath as he ran as fast as he could. His tears were dried because of the winds blowing past him. He stopped by the nearest pole as he tried to catch his breath. He looked behind him to check if Lukas was following him or not. Emil was glad that he didn't see any sign of his brother chasing after him. He slowly walked when he felt his breath became much calmer. A single drop from above made him realize that rain started pouring down. He cursed as he recognize that he did not bring umbrella with him and started running to the place he knew very well.

Xiao's house wasn't that far from where he lives. But with the current rain, Emil felt it was pretty far from usual. He put his bag on top of his head to shield himself as best as he could. He was starting to get soaked now.

The time when he got to his front gate, he was drenched like a drowned rat. Pressing the bell for Xiao or any of his family members to come out, Emil slowly slung his wet bag over his shoulder. The door opened and Xiao came out with an umbrella. His questioning expression change when he noticed who was standing in front of the gate. The brunette quickly ran to the gate and opened it for his best friend.

"Emil, why didn't you bring an umbrella with you?!" Raising the umbrella above their head, he leaded the Icelandic inside their house.

"Something happened, and I ran out the house without realizing it was cloudy. It started pouring heavily when I was on my way heading here." Emil breathed in relief when he walked inside the house, feeling much warmer. He started to sneeze once Xiao closed the door shut.

"Something happened?" Xiao repeated, waiting for Emil taking off his shoes as he put the umbrella back to its place.

"I will tell you later." Emil gave a sigh as he tried to wipe off the rain water from his head. Realizing this, Xiao quickly turned around.

"Wait here, I will bring a towel. You can change to something dry after that." He quickly ran toward his room before Emil said something as an approval. Xiao went back to him after a few minutes, much to Emil's surprised, and he was not alone. His Korean and Chinese brothers were also following him closely behind.

"Aiyaaa~ He's drenched, aru! Quickly make some hot tea, Yong Soo!" Yao ordered Yong Soo as he nodded excitedly. Emil slowly took the towel from Xiao's hand with questioning look.

"Well, he needs to know everything…" Xiao finished the sentences with a chuckle at Emil's expressions. Yao gave Emil the new clothes while telling him to quickly change into dry clothes as soon as possible. They leaded the Icelandic guy toward Xiao's room at the very end of the house.

* * *

Making himself comfortable after drying himself and change into Xiao's clothes, Emil looked down in an embarrassment. He wasn't used to wearing anyone else's clothes, even when the time he was staying over, he brought his own clothes. The door opened, making Emil flinched from his own thought. Yong Soo appeared with a big grin and a tray of hot tea on his hands.

"Here, get warm up more, da-ze!" The Korean put the tray on the table next to Emil.

"Thanks…" Emil muttered to him with a small nod. Staring at Emil, Yong Soo titled his head for a moment. A bit bothered by the gaze, Emil frowned at him in reply. When they were staring at each for a moment in an awkward silent, a cough broke them from their own thought. Looking over the door, they saw Xiao with bags of snacks in his hands.

"Yong Soo, if you are done, can you leave? I would like to talk with Emil…" Xiao pointed to the door after he put the snacks beside the tea. Yong Soo gave him a pouted but he nodded and leave with the tray. Xiao gave him a glare before Yong Soo gulped at him and closed the door.

"What's with him?" Emil asked, reaching the cup and took a sip. It sure made him much warmer, he sighed after he took a sip without realizing. Xiao who was intently looking at him slowly curved up his lips. The Icelandic guy in front of him was enjoying Chinese tea as much as he himself enjoying it. Xiao shifted his gaze when Emil's eyes opened to look at him, asking for explanations. The brunette knew the reason, probably because of the sleeping pills that Emil had taken. He was glad that Yong Soo hadn't asked a single question to Emil just yet.

Receiving no answer, Emil shrugged and pick up one of the snack Xiao had brought for him.

"What's make you went here, all drenched?" Xiao finally asked while held his hand for a share of the snacks Emil had opened. Emil put the bag on his hand instead of giving him some of it after he took some for his own.

"It's almost dinner time. Can I stay over?" Emil asked while munching, making Xiao raised an eyebrow at him.

"… Well, I don't mind… have you told Lukas?" Receiving no answer, Xiao groaned mentally. So, it must be another brotherly fight or something?

"I… almost told him…" Receiving a stunned look from Xiao, Emil gave a nod at him with unreadable expressions.

"So, I think it's better for me to stay away from him before everything went awkward."

Xiao stared at him immobile after Emil finished talking. The Icelandic guy pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them tightly. The brunette quickly came closer to him when he heard a sniffle sound coming from his best friends. Wrapping his arm around his shoulder, Xiao pressed his forehead against him.

"Emil…" he whispered his name, caressing Emil's back softly. Emil stiffened when he felt Xiao's caresses and slowly looked at him in the eyes. Golden orbs meet purple for a moment.

"Why can't you say it to him? Don't hurt yourself like this, Emil." Xiao muttered, still gaze over Emil's eyes.

"I can't!"

"But he is not your real brother…"

"But we are still blood related! And he doesn't think of me that way…" Emil said softly, shaking his head. Both of them fell silent at Emil's last sentence. Emil slowly put his forehead against Xiao's chest, tremble a little as he tried to hold himself from breaking down too much. Xiao could only stare at him, a part of him want Emil to just look at him and nobody else. He wants Emil to recognize his feeling toward the guy. He just couldn't find the right time to tell him exactly what he feels. Not when Emil like this…

At the front door of the room, Yong Soo looked down at his feet. Leaning against the door of his brother's room, His frowned went deeper as he listened to each of the conversation. He knew how the Icelandic guy feels. Yong Soo quickly walked away from the door as silent as he could.

* * *

Mikkel looked at Lukas who was staring down at Emil's photo album on his lap. He ran his big hand on Lukas's hair, caressing them.

"Remember the time when Emil was coming to my house?" Lukas slowly whispered to Mikkel softly. When he felt Mikkel nodded, Lukas slowly turned the page to reveal another childhood photos of himself with little Emil. His fingers tracing each photos unconsciously.

"That time my parents just got divorced, I was alone in the house and you came to play. My father suddenly came to my house with a little kid 3 years younger than me. He said that he needed some business to attend, so he left the child with me. Emil… he barely knew anything that time, he just went play with me while his father was gone… But…" Lukas bite his lower lip, he couldn't continue his sentences when Lukas felt his heart clenched painfully.

"Your dad leave and never come back to pick him up anymore. You were so happy that you discover your step brother, though. And your mother raises both of you when she found out about it." Lukas gave a nod at the memories. Lukas closed the photo book silently.

"I don't know what happened to Emil's mother since dad didn't say a word about her when he came. I raise him as my own brother. As soon as I entered University Mom left to outside country, leaving this house for us to take care of. She keeps on sending money for our needs, while I work as a part-timer. Sometimes Emil was alone in the house, maybe he needs someone to be with during that time? I thought that Xiao guy was his closest to be with, but… I don't know that he fall for you… Or maybe not? I don't know. This is confusing!" Lukas raised his head to stare right into Mikkel's blue eyes. Mikkel gave him a reassuring smile as he continues caressing Lukas's back softly.

"Mikkel, you can broke up with me and be together with Emil." Lukas said firmly, his expression turned blank when he felt Mikkel's hand stop. His eyes widened at the command coming from his boyfriend.

"Are you crazy? I don't love him, Lukas!" Mikkel frowned as he retracted his hand away.

"But he love you." The Norwegian said hard-headedly.

Mikkel shook his head.

"I can't, I don't love him! You can't force me to do that!" Mikkel rose to his feet immediately when Lukas started to object. Turning around to face the blonde, the Danish man glared at him.

"Beside, didn't you just say that he think of me as his brother? Don't force it, Luke!"

"He could be lying!"

Mikkel raised his hands, stopping Lukas to continue any further. "Lukas, the way you treat him is way over than being a brother. You probably didn't notice, you love him too much and want him to be happy. But giving me to Emil is strange! Think clearly!" Mikkel hissed when Lukas only stared at him blankly. "I don't love him. If you want to test it out, just tell him that I broke off with you for good, then let see if he made a move on me. If that's work then… If he really did love me, I will reject him softly."

Seeing Lukas looked down to his lap, Mikkel knelt down to be an eye level with him. Running his hands on Lukas's cheek, Mikkel gave a small sad smile.

"You are the one I love, Lukas! Can't you understand that?" Seeing the smile on Denmark's face made Lukas tears fall down only to be brushed off with Mikkel's thumb. The bigger man pulled him into the hug, caressing his back softly to calm his lover down as he silently cries.

_**TBC** _


	5. Sleeping Pills

Emil put his bowl down and looked up to the others who had finished eating and chatting. He was the last one finished, probably because he wasn't used to use chopsticks while eating. He grabbed the nearest full cup of water and drank it down rather quickly.

"Are you done, aru?" Yao smiled when he noticed Emil had emptied his bowl. Receiving a nod, Yao rose to his feet. He scooped up his bowl and chopsticks along with the others'. Emil watched his movements until Xiao patted his shoulder.

"Let's go to my room." Xiao said, telling him to follow after him. Getting an approval from Yao and Yong Soo, who was busying himself folding his sleeves, Emil walked out from the dining room.

Xiao entered his room with Emil tailing behind him in silence. Closing the door behind him, the brunette walked over to his desk and picked up some manga from the stacks. Emil sat down on the futon that Xiao had prepared for him, catching the comic book that Xiao had thrown to him from the stack.

"Sorry for the lack of preparation. You should have told me earlier. The guest room isn't cleaned yet." Xiao sat on the futon next to his bed. Obviously, his bed is too small for two people.

Emil nodded while opening the manga, eyes scanning the pictures. "It's alright, I don't mind. I'm sorry for suddenly asked to stay over."

Xiao shook his head with a small smile. "Nothing to be sorry for… Anyway, how's the photo? You know, when you called me and asked about it?"

Halting from the question, Emil suddenly realized that he never found out where the photo had gone. He didn't even dare to ask Lukas about it. He felt a lump on his throat as his eyes met Xiao's.

"… I don't know, I didn't find it anywhere. I just hope that Lukas didn't find it."

"I see… I was sure that you snatched it away from me that time though." Xiao put his finger on his chin, frowning in thought. Awkwardness slowly escalated into the air.

Deciding that the awkward silence had gone on long enough, Emil quickly flipped his manga and they started talking and laughing about it. Their moment of friendly time together was disrupted when Yong Soo barged inside with three cups of pudding in his hands. The three of them started chattering and Emil happily dug into his share. Yao always made it the best. From the corner of his eyes, Xiao was observing each and every movement from Emil. He was glad that the Icelandic teen seemed a bit happier now. Just like all the other nights Emil came to visit, Xiao was always happy to welcome him. His happy mood changed into worry when he knew Emil couldn't sleep that night.

Xiao opened his eyes when he heard another shuffle next to him. He turned on to his back when he heard Emil sighed and groan as quietly as possible.

"Can't sleep?" Xiao asked, propping himself up with his elbow to looked down at Emil.

"Yeah… for some reason." Emil replied shortly. He'd forgotten to bring his sleeping pills. This insomnia always happened when something goes wrong between him and Lukas…

"Do you want some hot tea or milk to help you sleep?" Xiao was now fully awake as he sat on his bed, staring down at Emil who put the back of his hand on his forehead.

"Do you have sleeping pills?" Emil's question made Xiao stiffened. Their eyes met for a moment, the brunette winced a little at the question.

"I… don't think I have." Xiao mumbled, his hands had formed fists unconsciously. Sighing, Emil turned his eyes to look back at the ceiling.

"Do you always drink those… pills?" Xiao asked slowly, receiving a small nod from the silver hair teen.

"Yeah. Whenever I have problems with Lukas, I can't help but thinking too much of it to where I can't sleep. I think lately it became a habit of me to drink those pills. I would rather sleep than think anything that can make me go nuts."

"Is that the only reason?" Xiao was now sitting down on the futon with Emil. Emil slowly sat up, staring at him, before shaking his head with a chuckle. He ran his hand on his tired face while sighing.

"I think… also when that stupid Dane stays over. They have sex so loud it's impossible to sleep." He slightly made a disgusted face. Xiao raised an eyebrow at him.

"Their room is next to mine. And… since I have feelings for Lukas… I started imagining weird thing about him above of me… And anything that's probably not healthy for me to think about. Just once or twice is fine, but every time? I need to stop myself from having sinful thoughts about my brother while… while…" Emil's face was as red as a tomato as he gesturing with his hands.

Xiao  finally got the answer he had wanted to get. Now that he had gotten the answer, he just didn't know what he was supposed to say. Watching Xiao's expression made Emil snorted at him.

"I think the amount of pills started to increase when Lukas mistook my feelings toward Mikkel." This simply made Xiao blinked at him.

"Emil, I will prepare warm milk to help you sleep. You don't need those pills." Xiao started as he stood up before Emil could even resist. Still, Emil looked up at him with a puzzled expression.

"I don't need milk; I'll just go to the drugstore near here, okay?" He was about to stand up when Xiao suddenly grab his shoulder, forcing him to sit back down.

"Don't drink them anymore! Not too much! Remember when the time you almost tripped in the cafeteria?" Xiao was surprised when Emil suddenly pushed him off.

"But I need them!" Emil almost sounded panicky. Xiao quickly pressed his forefinger in front of Emil's lips, preventing Emil from saying something too loud.

"Unless you want the whole house to know about this, I think you better lower your voice down."

Emil kept his mouth closed. The Icelandic looked down when Xiao stood up again.

"There are no sleeping pills in this house, Emil. If you don't want milk, then I'll warm up some tea to help you sleep." Xiao's tone was flat, but firm. It was clear that he did not want any objections coming from Emil anymore.

The silver hair guy only nodded in silent, not daring to object to him much further.

* * *

Xiao put the hot tea on a tray, setting them up to bring them into his room. He stopped when he saw Yao in the entrance of the kitchen.

"Do you need something, aru?" The Chinese man asked him in puzzled. It's a rare sight seeing Xiao in the kitchen after midnight.

"Nothing, it's just that… Emil couldn't sleep so I prepared some hot tea for him." Xiao nodded at the tray in his hands. Yao's lips curved into a smile before walking up passed him and open a cabinet.

"That's easy, aru. Put this herbal inside the tea, aru. That should help him sleep." Yao said, taking a pinch of some herbal inside its bag. The scent wafting as he poured them in. Xiao stared at the cup for a moment and frowned.

"Is that healthy?"

Yao blinked at the question, slightly aghast.

"Of course, aru! It helps to calm your feeling down and rest well at night, aru. Why are you so suspicious?" raising an eyebrow when Xiao just shrugged, Yao's eyes were fixed on him as his brother left the kitchen without another word.

* * *

"Emil…" Xiao opened the door and walked inside the room. His eyes scanned the room when he found that Emil was nowhere to be found. Starting to get panic, Xiao quickly ran inside and put the tray down on the table. He was about to run outside when he spotted the bathroom's light was on. He gave a sighed in relive and closed the door. Walking toward the bathroom, Xiao heard a rustle of noises inside. He leaned closer to the door, silently opening the door to peek inside. There he saw Emil with a box of kit and a few tubes of medicines. Eyes widening, he barged inside to stop whatever Emil is trying to do.

"Emil!" Xiao pulled his hand off from the sink, surprising the guy who was taking a medicine inside his mouth.

"Spit it out!" Xiao shouted at him, making Emil slapped his hand to his mouth, coughing a few times when Xiao slap the back of his neck. Hitting Xiao's arm with his elbow, Emil glared at him.

"Stop it!" He gulped down the medicine in process of talking. Xiao was staring at him in horror when Emil took the drink he bought with him from Xiao's night stand.

"What did you just swallow?" Xiao asked in a whisper. Grimacing at the overly worried Xiao, Emil glowered at his best friend for a moment.

"Medicine for head-ache. I couldn't sleep, so I got a head-ache." Xiao's hands were trembling when he heard Emil explanations.

"I… I'm sorry…" he stopped when he saw Emil slammed the glass down.

"Don't act so hyper about it! I'm alright!" he scowled while putting the scattered medicines back inside the small basket. He put the basket inside the cabinet again and walked outside the bathroom. An aroma that's coming for the tea Xiao brought for him earlier made him stopped on his track. He looked behind him to find Xiao walking outside following him.

"That tea is for me?" Receiving a nod from his friend, Emil muttered a tiny 'thanks' and walked towards the table. Taking the tray from the table, Emil put it above the futon. As Xiao walked toward him and sat down, the Icelander poured the tea into the cup and took a sip. His head turned to Xiao who was silent beside him.

"I'm sorry, for reacting like that…" Emil mumbled while looking down at the cup in his hand. Xiao's eyes flickered when he heard Emil, his lips curved up and he nod. Xiao brought his knees up his chest, hugging them as he watched Emil emptying his cup. The Icelandic guy noticed him staring when he put the cup down.

"Stop staring, it's embarrassing." Emil stared back at Xiao's golden eyes.

"Anything else you would like me to do?"

The question made Emil raised an eyebrow at him confused. "Nothing… I guess…"

"Emil… Can't you rely on me? Other than Lukas…"

The silver hair guy raised an eyebrow when Xiao become even more persistence.

"What do you mean by that?" The Icelandic guy gasped when Xiao suddenly pulled him toward his. The sudden movement made the cup fell and spilled on the tray. Emil growled when Xiao didn't seem to care about it.

"I just don't want you to hurt yourself. Don't take those pills anymore."

Emil, who was struggling to break free from his chest, stopped when Xiao's words trembled. His eyes looked up to Xiao, his heart pierced at the realization that Xiao had been worried sick over him. He slowly pushed Xiao away to look him in the eyes. They both looked at each other for a moment of silence.

"I'm sorry, I make you worried…"

Xiao shook his head at his best friend before he pulled him into another hug. "Just stay healthy…" Xiao whispered to Emil's ear, making it turned red by the warm breath.

Emil shifted uncomfortably in the brunette's arms. He was sure that Xiao did not mean anything by this caresses and caring. They are… best friend after all, he forced himself to think they are, while his heart beats faster by the closeness. Never before he let Xiao do any physical contact this much before. He felt a bit uncomfortable, but the warm that's surrounding him made Emil felt relax somehow. He felt the caring side of his friend which made his lips curved up a bit. Xiao closed his eyes when Emil wrapped his arms around his waist, nodding at his plea.

"Emil…" Xiao whispered against his ear, making Emil turn his head to look up at him. Xiao's golden eyes were staring deep into his own. Emil watched the Asian blink, eyes shifting down on his lips. Emil was surprised when Xiao slowly moved forward, his eyes never leaving him. He stopped when their lips were just further apart, making sure that Emil wasn't going to push him away. Deciding that it's best to follow his heart, Xiao pressed his lips against him softly, earning a soft gasp from the other who he had been in love with. Xiao felt Emil's hands clutched his shirt, fisting when they kissed. Titling his head to get closer to the Icelander, Xiao ran his hand against the back of Emil's neck. He moaned when Emil felt Xiao kiss him open-mouthed. He brought his hands on Xiao's chest, pushing him away.

Xiao blinked in surprised when he felt that he was being pushed gently. They broke the kiss with a shuddered breath, eyes staring into each other closely. As Xiao was staring at Emil's red face, he brought his fingers to touch those inflame cheek of his.

"Emil… I love you, Emil…" Xiao whispered softly.

Emill shook his head, whipping his mouth his the back of his hand.

Seeing the reaction coming from said teen, Xiao's heart clenched painfully. He lowered his hand when Emil shook his head, eyes shut tightly. Xiao bit his lower lip.

"Was it because of your brother?" Emil looked down when he heard his question.

"I'm sorry, Xiao… I… can't…" He wiped his mouth with his sleeve, blushing at the wetness. His deep-blue eyes shaking at the thought that Xiao had been in love with him. How long had it been? Why didn't he realize it? That… that kiss… w-was his first… Emil's eyes watered in realization. Xiao who saw the tears on his eyes sucked on his breath.

"Emil." Xiao's hand that was trying to reach him being slapped away.

"That was my first…" He gasped out, fists clenching tightly as he tried to hold himself back. To think that it's not Lukas who had done that. To think that it's not his brother who took his first.

"I'm sorry…" Xiao looked down sadly. He wasn't sure what to do. Nervous eyes drifted to the clock nearby. 2 o'clock in the morning… Maybe he could just go to sleep?

"Leave me for now… I… I'm going to sleep." Emil mumbled, taking the tray away from the futon. Xiao only nodded in silence.

As both of them lay on their own bed, both were thinking the same thing.

_What should I do in the morning?_

_**TBC** _


	6. The Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this was short ^^ and Lukas shows emotions, I hope it's not too much ^^v

Emil stirred by the sound of a bathroom door closing. He rubbed his sleepy eyes and rose from the futon. Blinking a few times, he looked over the bed to find that Xiao had gone to bath ahead of him. The Icelandic guy stretched and yawned loudly. His mind slowly awakened but a flash of last nights memories made him halt in mid stretch. Emil sucked on his breath when he felt a pain in his limbs by the sudden halt. He swung his arms slowly as he tried to stand up. He cursed himself mentally for being careless this very morning. Quickly making things tidy, Emil flipped the blanket skillfully. He quickly glanced at the clock to realize that he wouldn't have classes until lunch time, therefore he could relax.

The sound of the door opening from the bathroom made Emil go rigid. He slowly turned his head to find Xiao who was brushing his wet hair with a towel. Their eyes met for a moment before Xiao closed the door behind him.

"The bathroom is free now if you want to take a bath. I will go ahead to the campus, I have an early lesson today." Xiao said with a small smile. Emil stared, his eyebrow raised at the smile.

"Okay…" Emil muttered after a nod and quickly walked over to the bathroom. His heart beating faster when he noticed Xiao was walking passed him. He could smell his bath scents wafting on his nose.

"Oh, by the way, your shirt will be on top of the counter near the sink, okay. I've prepared it for you." Xiao said, suddenly remembering that Emil didn't bring any clothes with him because of running away.

"Alright…" Emil nodded shortly, not even daring to face his best friend. Wait…His hand stopped in front the handle, he didn't realize that his hands were shaking. Were they even best friend now? This confession last night had turned out so weird. It's true that Emil had said 'no' to Xiao last night, but the situation had turned awkward this morning. Or so he thought, seeing Xiao smiling at him like that made Emil feel guilty.

Closing the door behind him, Emil blinked. Guilty? Why would he feel guilty? Emil shook his head and started unbuttoning his shirt. There's no reason to feel guilty, he didn't love the guy. The Icelander tossed the shirt into the laundry basket with an angry look.

* * *

Emil slowly pushed the door open to see that Xiao was nowhere to be found. He looked at the empty room, feeling a bit relieved that the Asian had gone to the campus ahead of him. He quickly walked towards the desk and took his bag, swinging it over his shoulder.

Emil was greeted by Yong Soo and Yao in the dining room.

"Good morning, aru. Xiao had gone ahead to the campus, aru. Do you want to eat a bun for breakfast?" Yao waved at Emil to sit down with them.

"I… I guess I will just take some and go home, right now. Is that alright with you?" Emil mumbled, blushing at the invitation. The smell of the bun made his stomach growl though and he got a laugh from Xiao's Korean brother.

"Okay then, I will just pack some for you, aru." Yao said with a big grin.

"Thank you…" Emil said, blushing even more as he rubbed his stomach.

* * *

Lukas walked into his brother's bedroom, eyes scanning the empty room. No sign of Emil coming home last night, so he was probably staying over at Xiao's house. The blonde walked over to the nightstand and put the photo in his hand down. He stared at the photo that Emil had secretly saved with him. He shook his head walked over to the half-opened window. There he saw his brother walking towards the gate. Lukas quickly walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

Slowly opening the door of his house, Emil's eyes wandered around the living room, seeing if his brother was guarding entrance of the house to see if he would appear. Emil gave out another sigh as he figured his brother was not in the house. That was what he was hoping until he heard a voice from behind the opened door. Emil yelped when Lukas pulled him in harshly. He dropped his bag accidentally on the floor when the door slammed shut.

"Got back already, Emil?" Lukas was glaring down at him with his arms crossed. Emil looked down at his feet, his took a deep breath from the surprise attack.

"Don't do that again, Luke! My wrist hurts now!" Emil massaged his wrist, glaring at his brother who was a head taller than him.

"Don't go running off like that ever again when we are having a talk. Even if I knew where you were yesterday, that doesn't mean that you can just go out of the house like that. I'm still your elder here, have some respect!" Lukas's voice was so deep and he talked slow, enough to make Emil creep out by each word he was saying. Shivering at the tone of voice his brother was giving him, Emil took a few steps back. Lukas's eyes were fully fixed on him, his lips were so thin as he pressed them together angrily.

"That's because you were being annoying." Emil muttered, not wanting to look Lukas in the eyes. He was surprised when Lukas suddenly put his fingers below his chin and forced him to look. Emil's eyes widened as soon as their eyes met for a moment. Slowly letting go of his chin, Lukas pulled Emil into a hug.

"I'm worried about you, Emil." Lukas whispered against his ear, making it turn red by the warm breath. The silver haired boy quickly pressed his hands against Lukas's chest, feeling his face start to get warm as well. His brother needed to learn about personal space.

"Lukas, stop this… It's…" Emil stopped when Lukas's arms wrapped around his waist protectively. Emil dropped his arms in defeat, there was no way Lukas would let go of him anytime soon. Looking down at his brother's shoulder, Emil's lips trembling as his face turned redder. He muttered the word he should never let past his lips.

"I love you." Emil whispered before he could stop himself. Lukas shot him a surprised look before he pulled him even closer if possible.

"Me too, Emil. Please, don't run out like that anymore. I was worried sick about you. You are the only brother I have." Lukas said, caressing his brother's back. Emil's eyes turned fierce when he heard what his brother was saying. He pushed him away harshly, making Lukas stumble on his feet, flabbergasted.

"That's not what I meant. I'm sick of this!" Emil gritted his teeth as he looked Lukas in the eyes.

Lukas watched him, not knowing how to react. He could only open his mouth and close it before he spilled something unnecessary. Feeling that he was finally able to know what was wrong with his brother the older became alerted when Emil's facial expression slowly changed. The silver haired guy ran his hand through his hair, before chuckling weakly, trying to stop himself from breaking down.

"I love you, Lukas… I don't know why I finally admitted this. And this is NOT brotherly love at all!" Emil pulled his hand down when his brother didn't seems to get what he was trying to say.

The stiffness of Lukas's figure and eyes flickering with surprise made Emil's heart wrench. He knew he should have kept this a secret, but deep inside he felt free. To be finally able to let go of what he'd been caging inside his heart. He watched in amusement when Lukas's face got paler at the realizations of the confession. Emil shook his head.

"You never realize, do you? The way you treated me, the way you hugged me just now. And you think I'm in love with that Danish man of yours."

"Emil…" Lukas started but stopped when Emil raised his hand.

"It's you, who I've fallen for. Not Mikkel, but Lukas Bondevik. My own brother! I'm sick!" Emil's hands trembled so he quickly pulled his hand down. Upon receiving no more answers, Emil quickly took his fallen bag and turned around to walk away. His steps becoming faster as he clutched his bag with a trembling hand. He broke into a run, going upstairs and towards his room.

Lukas was staring at his brother's back when he started to run. He didn't know if he should chase after him or not. His mind quickly drifted to the photo on the nightstand, his photo. A thud voice from the door made his eyes shift at it in a rather jumpy reaction. His eyes widened when he saw Mikkel who was standing in front of the door, his expression was unreadable.

"Mikkel…"

"Hey… uhm… hi?" The guy rubbed the back of his neck nervously, forcing himself to grin at his boyfriend who was still in shock. Mikkel slowly closed the door and walked towards Lukas silently. He gave him a pat on the shoulder, motioning for him to sit down. Lukas looked at him for a moment and then gave a weak nod.

* * *

Emil was glad that Lukas didn't chase after him. He slammed the door shut and tossed his bag on the floor. He quickly threw himself on the bed trying to shake off the feeling to cry. He couldn't believe he had just spilled out what he had been holding inside for so long. Emil gritted his teeth as his eyes clenched shut tightly. He needed to forget about what just happened. He felt like drowning himself into a deep slumber. Emil shot his head up as he remembered the sleeping pills. That's right; he couldn't think nor feel the pain when he was asleep. He was back in his home and he got the sleeping pills inside his drawer.

Emil rose from his bed, crawling towards the other side with heavy breathes. His eyes found the photo that he'd lost. Emil picked up the photo with trembling hands. Lukas found this… Lukas found this… That means his brother had known even before he confessed. Emil's head swam with so many thoughts going through his mind. Why hadn't Lukas said anything if he had known? Is that why he kept pressing about the 'brother' word? He doesn't feel the same way towards him? Emil crumbled the photo in his hand. He pulled at the drawer ruthlessly and picked up the half empty tube. Spilling the content on his mouth messily, he didn't know how many pills he took and just guzzled them down. He pulled out his water bottle from inside his bag, his eyes clenched shut as he felt a few drugs went through his throat painfully. Ignoring the feeling, Emil coughed a few times after throwing the empty bottle away to the floor. groaning while laying down on his bed, waiting for the drugs to take effect. He closed his eyes, trying to empty his mind.

* * *

"I never knew…" Lukas muttered as he took the glass from Mikkel. The blonde sat down next to him, cupping his own glass.

"Now we know that he's not in love with me." Mikkel whispered as he looked down into the clear liquid inside the glass.

"What to do, Mikkel. He… I… I can't return his feelings. He's my brother!" Lukas shook as he looked at Mikkel in frustration.

"You don't have to, Lukas. Maybe he's mistaking his own feeling with brotherly love."

"He's not lying, Mikkel! I don't know how this could happen! I care for him as a brother. This… this shouldn't be happening." Lukas's hands were trembling greatly making the glass slip and crashed on the tile floor. Mikkel quickly put his hands on Lukas's shoulders.

"Lukas, calm down." He tried to make the Norwegian make eye contact with him.

"I can't calm down! Emil is having trouble with this. How can I calm down?!" Lukas glared at Mikkel who was trying to act like an adult for once. The loud and annoying Danish man changed when Lukas was in a panicked state of mind. He hated the fact that Mikkel could be so calm when it was about Lukas's problems.

"Listen to me for a minute! Maybe he is indeed in love with you. Just tell him that you can't love him back, not because he is your brother, but because you don't feel the same way towards him." Mikkel put much force on his hands to make Lukas stop struggling in his hold. Lukas's frantic eyes slowly focused on him.

"You don't love him, right?" Mikkel asked in a soft tone. Much to Mikkel's relive, his boyfriend shook his head.

"… I need to go check on him." Lukas slowly pushed Mikkel's hand away from one of his shoulder. Mikkel's eyes followed Lukas as he walked out of the dining room. He looked down at the broken glass on the floor with a heavy sigh.

"Emil… Why?" he took a big gulp from his own glass and decided to empty it before cleaning up the mess.

* * *

Lukas's shadow was looming over the door from the dim light of the corridor. He raised his hand to knock on the door, stopping for a minute to firm himself.

"Emil…" Lukas called out softly after he had knocked two times. Receiving no answer, he knocked two more times before deciding to just barge inside. He didn't know if he should, but he couldn't just let Emil walk away from his problems, nor himself. Lukas peeked inside the room and found his brother lying on the bed. He silently walked inside and went towards him. His brother was sleeping soundly it seemed.

"Emil…" Lukas shook him a little, receiving no answer. He shook him a little harder. Still no reaction.

"Emil? Wake up, Emil. We need to talk." Lukas sat on the bed, starting to get worried. His eyes scanning the room for any evidence that could lead to this slumber. Lukas was shocked when he noticed a tube and the pills scattering on the other side of the bed and on the floor. His trembling hand picked up the empty tube, eyes scanning what was written on the paper attached to it. Gasping in shock of the sleeping pills his brother was taking, Lukas dropped the tube absentmindedly. He quickly cling to Emil, shaking him forcefully.

"Emil! Wake up, Emil! Don't do this to me!" Lukas choked on his own voice, trying desperately to wake his baby brother up. His eyes felt so hot while his heartbeat went faster.

"EMIL!" Lukas shouted, burying his forehead into Emil's chest, fisting his collar. Hiccuping between his tears. Lukas was trembling from a vision of Emil lying in a coffin.

"Mikkel! MIKKEL!" He didn't know what to do. All he knew was that he was calling out to his boyfriend for help, hoping it wasn't too late to bring Emil to the hospital.

* * *

Xiao looked around for his best friend, usually he was already inside the classroom. He wondered if Emil wasn't going to take any lessons today. He picked up his mobile phone and flipped it open. He was in the middle of dialing Emil's number when he suddenly remembered about last nights event. Xiao stared blankly at the mobile screen, thinking about what he was supposed to say. The brunette was surprised when the phone suddenly rang in his hand. He looked at the caller ID and noticed it was Lukas's number. Frowning at the uncommon person calling him, Xiao press the answer button and pressed his mobile against his ear, readying himself for what was coming. He was sure that Lukas would scold him for being such a jerk, for he had stolen his brother's first kiss.

"Hello…" Xiao muttered, trying not to sound weak. He blinked when he heard Mikkel's voice instead of Lukas's.

"Xiao… Emil is in the hospital." His eyes widened when he heard the news.

**TBC**


	7. Rejection

" _Hello…" Xiao muttered, trying not to sound very weak. He blinked when he heard Mikkel's voice instead of Lukas._

" _Xiao… Emil is in the hospital." His eyes widened when he heard the news._

"What?!" he almost shouted in shock; he composed himself when he received glances being thrown towards his direction. Mikkel told him the hospital Emil was taken in. The brunette quickly ran out of his university, trying to reach the hospital as soon as possible. Xiao gritted his teeth when his mind started to fill in with Emil.

' _Emil… what happened?'_

* * *

Mikkel raised his head when Lukas walked out of the room, looking mournful. Their eyes met for a second before the blonde's lips start moving.

"Still unconscious." He whispered, only loud enough for Mikkel to hear him. Sound of footsteps coming closer to them, made them both look at the person unexpectedly. Xiao gulped a little when he saw Lukas's dark glance. He slowly moved closer towards the elder in silence, those icy orbs seeming to penetrate deep into his soul. Xiao did not look away from him, his mind told him not to unless he wanted Lukas to turn suspicious of him.

"Did you know?" Lukas asked him after a moment staring at his brother's best friend. Lukas's brows formed when Xiao only stared at him confused.

"About the sleeping pills he has been taking." Mikkel continued Lukas's sentences, explaining to Xiao who seemed to just notice the Danish man who sat a few feet beside him. The fact made the Asian realize that neither of them knew about 'the kiss' like he was afraid of. Xiao let out the breath he had been holding. So, Emil hadn't told them yet, or been forced to, knowing Lukas's over-protective attitude.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell us?!"

Xiao winced when Lukas suddenly grabbed his collar. The Norwegian stopped when Mikkel grabbed his shoulder, shaking his head to his frustrated boyfriend. Xiao shrugged off the hand on his collar, leaving Lukas immobile for a second.

"How can I when I know the source of it was you." Xiao said, eyes turn madder as he watched them flinch.

"He has been in love you with his own brother, and you asked me why I didn't tell you about the pills he has been taking?! Emil is frustrated, disgusted even!"

"How could I know? I treat him as my brother. I… I never expect this to happen…" Lukas whispered with a cracked voice.

"You even mistook his feelings towards Mikkel." Golden orbs met deep-blue in a cold stare. Mikkel who was watching from the side, was growing worried. Lukas seems like a different person when Emil was the main problem. He loved him as a brother, he knew that. But sometimes, his over-reaction was way more than a brother should be. No wonder Emil mistook it for something else.

"He's still not wake up. The Doctor said he will be alright, but vomiting is to be expected. It's good to let the drugs out." Mikkel said, nodding towards the door.

Xiao caught the signal and quickly walked over and opened the door as silently as he could. Escaping from Lukas seemed to be a good idea right now. He closed the door behind him, still trying to act cool from Emil's brother's icy stare. The guy seemed so creepy with the lack of emotions… he was not the one to talk actually, but Lukas was much worse than him.

Xiao stopped beside the bed where Emil was laying down, being infusion, having a medication through a needle of a catheter. The Asian could feel his heart clench painfully at the state of his secret crush. No, it's no longer a secret. Xiao raised his hand to touch Emil's cheek. He looked look paler than usual. He dragged a small chair near the desk and sat down to watch his best friend. Taking Emil's lifeless hand in his, Xiao gave a soft sigh.

"I told you to stop taking those pills. But did you listen? Not at all. Why can't you just… blurt everything out to me, Emil? I can't believe when you went home and this happened. I even had the guts to confess to you last night, adding more to your problems. What kind of person am I?" Xiao muttered to himself as soft as he could. He wondered if Emil could hear what he was talking about. He gripped Emil's hand a bit harder, Xiao hated himself for not being able to make Emil look at him. He brought Emil's hand up and rested his forehead against the cooler pale hand. Closing his eyes in thought, Xiao didn't realize that the door was cracked opened slightly.

* * *

"I can't believe him! He still dares to say that he is Emil's best friend?! He could have told us… ME, sooner!"

"Lukas, you can't expect them to be very open about this. Especially since you are the 'cause' of it." Mikkel paused for a second before he decided to ignore Lukas's glare. Mikkel walked past the shorter blonde and stopped before the door.

"The other reason is probably because of… this" He silently opened the room to let Lukas know what exactly happened. There, the brother saw the way Xiao held Emil's hand, kissing it softly while his eyes never left the boy's sleeping face. As if he was afraid that if he blinks, his friend would be gone from his sight forever. Lukas's eyes gleamed with realization and turned sad at the scene before his sight.

"He should have let Emil know sooner…" Lukas whispered almost as if to himself more than to Mikkel.

"He didn't want to let Emil know since he knew his crush was falling in love with his brother. He doesn't want to lose his friend, Luke." Mikkel closed the door to grin at Lukas who rolled his eyes.

"I wonder in a time like this, where your stupidity goes to on times like these, Mikkel." Lukas huffed when Mikkel pouted.

"That's very rude, you know! Come on, let's grab something to eat. We can leave your baby brother to that Asian guy!" Mikkel slapped Lukas's back which received him a painful jab in the side.

"Not so loud, damn it!" The Norwegian hissed, totally ignoring Mikkel winching in pain.

* * *

Xiao raised his head as something cold pressed against his cheek. His eyes found Mikkel grinning widely at him, offering the cold drink he brought along with a plastic wrapped sandwich from the hospital. Letting go of Emil's hand with flushed cheeks, Xiao took both items in his hands after mumbling a quiet thanks and put them on top of the small table near the bed.

"He will be fine…" The deep voice made Xiao look to his other side. Lukas was staring down at Emil, brushing his brother's bangs away from his eyes. Xiao watched him with a hint of jealousy, but he tried to ignore this fact since Lukas didn't share the same feelings towards Emil. Realizing his caresses toward Emil made Xiao go rigid, Lukas's lips curved up to form a small smile.

"You should be more straight forward to him next time." Lukas muttered, turning around to leave. He gave Xiao a pat on his shoulder before he left Xiao blinked at the gesture for a moment. He threw a surprised look to Lukas's back. Receiving a chuckle from Mikkel, Xiao's eyes focused on his lap in shame. The Dane followed his boyfriend when Lukas stopped before the door waiting for him. As the door closed, Xiao slowly took Emil's hand in his again, lips curved up.

* * *

Emil slowly opened his eyes, blinking a few times he discovered someone looming over him. Once his eyes starts to focus and the blurry vision turned clear, his blue eyes met golden orbs. Those eyes that were staring at him changed from worried to joyful. Xiao quickly stood up from his seat and clutched Emil's hand tightly.

"Emil! Are you alright? Do you feel anything?" Those blue eyes were now staring into their clasped hands before frowning. Emil looked around his surrounding and noticed that he was being infusion. His eyes widened when he recognized the place where he lay. Sitting up with a gasp made him wince from the pain that shot through his arm where the needle had been inserted into his skin.

"Emil! Don't move about just yet…" Xiao pressed his hands gently on Emil's shoulder, pushing him to lie down. The Icelander refused to do so as he pushed the Asian away from him by force.

"Don't touch me!"

Surprised, Xiao stepped back a bit causing his knee to accidentally hit the chair. It fell down with a crash while his elbow accidentally knocked the glass on the table beside him. It landed on the floor with a loud crash for a second time. Those crashing sounds could be heard in front of the room, the door opened and Lukas and Mikkel walked in with concerned expressions.

"What happened?" Lukas asked Xiao when he noticed the scattered glass and Xiao's surprised look.

"Nothing…" Xiao muttered as he took a few steps back, he tried his best to avoid eye contact with Emil.

"Emil!" Lukas quickly went towards him with a happy tone.

Mikkel who watched the two could read that something had happened between the two.

"I will call the doctor." Xiao walked away from them with heavy steps. Mikkel watched him in silence, he was about to chase after him but his mind wanted to stay with Lukas and Emil. He was concerned for the brothers.

"Emil, are you alright? I'm glad that you're conscious!" Lukas wrapped his arms around Emil, pulling his brother closer to him.

"Why am I here?" Emil whispered with a hoarse voice. His head swarming with the thoughts of his brother finding out about his problem. He felt he was about to vomit anytime soon.

"Please don't scare me like that anymore, Emil. I don't want you to kill yourself. Please…" Lukas's embrace only made Emil feel suffocated, but he did not push him away when he heard a sniffling sound coming from the older. Emil's eyes clenched shut, feeling his own eyes become hot with tears he was trying to hold back.

"Lukas…" he didn't know what to say to his brother, but this feeling of rejection was starting to chew inside of him. Emil didn't know if he should bring that up again. His eyes met Lukas's when the blond pulled away to stare into his eyes. Emil blinked for a few times, biting his lower lip.

"Emil… promise me you won't do that again?" Lukas asked him, but Emil's answer never came. His brother refused to look him in the eyes.

"Emil!" Lukas clasped his cheeks, forcing Emil to look him in the eyes. He could see Emil's pupils were trembling.

"Don't touch me! Let go!" Emil suddenly pushed Lukas away, surprising his brother. Lucky enough that Mikkel was alerted; he supported Lukas as he looked at Emil worriedly.

"Emil, are you alright?"

"NO! I'm not alright! I'm sick of this place! I don't want to be here, I'm going to go home, now!" Emil angrily pulled out the needle out from his vein, not carrying the blood starting to show up at the force. His arm felt numb as his eyes caught a single drop of blood. He grabbed the nearest tissue and wiped the blood away. Emil started to walk away from the bed, but his feet stumbled on the weight of his body which still felt light. His head start throbbing irritatingly making Emil wince. Mikkel caught him in his arms before he fell on his face. Whipping his head towards the Dane, Emil gritted his teeth.

"See? You shouldn't move around just yet." Mikkel said while Emil adjusted on his weight.

"I'm alright… I just want to get out of this place as soon as possible." Emil swatted his hand away, he felt his body trembling when he forced himself to stand on his own.

"Let's just go home, shall we?" Lukas stepped beside him, taking Emil's arm to prevent him from falling.

"But, Lukas…" Mikkel stopped when Lukas shook his head. The taller man gave a loud sigh. Sometimes Lukas was just too soft towards his brother.

The doctor arrived with Xiao following behind when they were about to get out. Lukas explained that Emil wanted to go home, making sure that his brother was alright so that the doctor will let them go. Lukas could understand that the doctor did not approve, but he was worried what Emil might do if he did not allow him to go. Knowing his brother, sometimes Emil could be so furious that he started to break things, even if those times rarely happened. The doctor insisted on checking up on Emil before they took him home. Emil groaned when he was forced to sit down for another check up. After a few minutes, he gave them a recite for medicines and let them go.

Xiao who was watching from the side felt his heart pierce when Emil walked past him without a single glance. The brunette watched them go without a word.

* * *

Yao looked up from the book he was reading when he heard Xiao coming inside the house, looking gloomy. Raising an eyebrow to his brother's state. Each day his aura got darker and heavier. It was starting to worry him. Closing the book in his hands, Yao rose to his feet and followed his brother silently with a frown. As Xiao closed the door to his room, Yao scratched his head in confusion. What happened? Xiao was not a person who was very open when it was about his problems so Yao wasn't sure what he was supposed to do when his brother was in such a state. Yao sigh, a bit frustrated with himself that he couldn't do anything to help him out. Despite the fact that he did not want to see his sulking brother in his room, Yao's feet brought him to his door anyway. His hand slowly reached the door knob, thinking whether he should just barge in without knocking or not. He was surprised when suddenly the door opened and Xiao almost bumped onto him.

"Ah… Xiao, aru…" Yao forced himself to smile but it turned out awkwardly.

"What's the matter?" the brunette asked him with one eyebrow up, demanding an answer.

"Nothing, aru…" Yao waved his hand in panic, unsure how he was supposed to react. Xiao sighed at the Chinese guy and shook his head.

"I'm alright, _gege_. Nothing to worry about." He murmured, making sure that Yao's worry will go away. The guy was still over-protective as ever. He knew that his brother had been standing in front of his room for a few minutes. As if he didn't feel the presence of his brother from inside the room. He learn Wushu not for nothing.

"If…" Yao started, directing Xiao's attention back to him. Their golden eyes met for a moment, waiting for any continuation. Yao took a deep breath before he continued.

"If you need any help… anything… Xiao… I'm willing to help". Yao finished his sentences with a soft sigh. Xiao stared up at his brother which was only a head taller than him. His mind immediately went to Emil who acted violently toward him all of the sudden. He didn't know if he should tell his brother about his friend who just walked out from the hospital today. Nor that he wished his brother knew about the boy who had slept over the night, wanting to drug himself to sleep. Xiao knew his brother could be too possessive when it was about his safety. Biting his lips as to hold any words in, Xiao shook his head in disapproval.

"I'm alright. I can still handle this… madness. Thanks anyway." Xiao gave a firm look to Yao who was still unsure about his sentence. He lifted an eyebrow at the word 'madness' Xiao just said. Yao knew his brother can be so hard headed if he wanted to. Sighing in defeat, Yao put his hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

"If you say so, aru."

Xiao watched his older walk away from his room, not blinking when Yao turned to look at him for the last time after a few steps. Shrugging at the emotionless boy before him, Yao walked away without another word.

"I'm sorry, Yao…" Xiao whispered when his brother had gone away to the dining room. Someone tapped his back and Xiao looked at his other sibling who was grinning. Xiao rolled his eyes at his big-annoying grin.

"What?" he walked into his room, not driving his half brother away and let him closed the door.

"Had I told you that someone would turn to suicide after holding all his problems inside?" Yong Soo whistled when Xiao threw him a death glare.

"Where did you hear that from? And what makes you think that I will do that?" Xiao threw himself on his bed pulling the pillow to hug it tightly against his face.

"That story originated in me, da-ze!" His Korean sibling dodged when a pillow was thrown towards his direction.

"Get out, Yong Soo" Xiao grumbled, supporting himself with his elbow.

"Have I told you that you smell like a hospital?" Yong Soo picked up the pillow from the floor after it bounced against the wardrobe. Black eyes met Golden right after he finished his question. The Asian quickly sat up properly, surely surprised with the question. That guy who always wanted to know anything about people's problems, who can't even stay quiet for a few seconds, was always the first to know new things. Xiao was surprised that he couldn't even hide things from his half brother.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Yong Soo sat down on the floor before Xiao, waiting patiently. Xiao bit his lips.

"I will tell you, but don't tell _Gege_."

"I can keep a secret." Yong Soo clapped his hands together and hugged the pillow closely to his chest.

* * *

Emil stared at Lukas when the blonde wrapped his arm around his shoulder, trying to balance his brother to the trip back towards his own room. He had been vomiting which according to the doctor is normal, to let the drugs out. Lukas was certain that he won't let his brother over dose on the sleeping pills. He had thrown any pills he found in Emil's room away, other than the new medicine he got from the doctor. He should be the one to clean his brother's room from now on and that's the way he wanted it to be, if he wanted Emil to stop with those drugs.

Emil was certain that he couldn't get away from Lukas anymore now. His brother who was over-protective was even worse than before. Something made the silver haired Icelander fully annoyed that he needed to be watched over, even for small things as 'going to the toilet'. He was mad at himself for taking too many pills at once in a hurry that time, had he not, Lukas may never had found out and he could continue to try and enjoy his miserable life; even if that meant Lukas would never look at him any other way than being just a brother. Emil clenched his fists in anger. He quickly pushed his brother away, surprising him at the sudden attack. Lukas found himself on the floor in shock of his brother's violence.

"Emil?!" He slowly stood up, unsure what the cause of his attack is. He was sure that the doctor told him about 'hallucinations' part during the last examinations.

"Stop it. Stop being so affectionate towards me. I don't need it." Emil said, glaring at his brother who was still crouching down on the floor. Lukas eyed him, surprised that he would describe his actions as affectionate.

"Emil, I was just worried about you."

"Yes, that. Its super annoying that you keep being worried for nothing, it even makes me feel worse. Especially when you knew how I feel towards you. I've had enough, Lukas. I want you to get away from me." Emil gritted his teeth, feeling his emotions going up. He wasn't sure what he was saying anymore, deep inside he was asking himself whether that's what he really wanted his brother to do. He felt his vision start to get blurry; he ran his hand against his forehead, clutching it tightly when it started to hurt. He felt a hand wrap around his shoulders, his brother's worried voice seemingly far in the distance, though he was practically in front of him.

"Lukas, let go!" Emil tried to break free from his arms, pushing with all the strength he could muster.

"Let's just… go back to your room so you can rest. I will leave you alone after that." Lukas said sadly, it hurt watching his brother in this state. What he hated the most was that he couldn't even help him feel better. Everything he did seems so wrong to Emil. Lukas gritted his teeth as he pulled Emil's wrist toward his room, not caring if Emil could walk properly catching his steps. Once they were inside Emil's room, Lukas watched him drift back to sleep almost immediately when his head met the pillow. Long fingers brushed away those fringes from Emil's closed eyes. Lukas's eyes flickered forlornly when he remembered what his brother had said. Should he really move away? Lukas shook his head and walked out of the room, shutting it quietly. He flipped his mobile phone and dial Mikkel's number, walking faster downstairs.

" _Hello? What's wrong, Lukas?"_ His boyfriend's voice sounded worried that something bad might have happen again.

"Mikkel… Is it okay if I just… move to your house for a while?" Lukas whispered while running his hands through his hair in confusion. A pause coming from the other line, before he finally heard a sigh coming from the Dane.

_"I don't mind at all, but what about Emil? Doesn't he need to be watched over?"_

"He wants me to get away from him…" Another pause and Lukas could feel that Mikkel was also in a deep thought.

_"That kid needs therapy."_

Lukas sucked on his breath when he heard him.

 _"Do you still remember your cousin, Tino who worked as a psychologist? Maybe he can help your brother. I don't know, you think maybe he doesn't need one, but I think he does need therapy. I'm sure Tino won't charge you for the medication, since he knew Emil so well. Like a family member. What do you think, Luke?"_ Mikkel waited for a few moments for Lukas to agree. He was a bit disappointed that Lukas immediately answered.

"No, its okay. I… I will just get away from him and he will be fine."

_"But, Lukas…"_

"I will… stay at Tino's place instead…"

_"Lukas, wait-"_

Lukas cut the line before Mikkel finished. What does he think Emil is? Emil is healthy, it's true that he is quiet sick right now, but that's just Lukas being careless about his brother. In the end, Emil will be back to normal once he got away from him. Lukas paused for a second thought. Tino is a good cousin of his, and he always listened to every single thing when people were troubled. Maybe he could talk to him about this when he stayed at his place. Lukas sighed heavily and walked toward his room. He needed to start packing his stuff.

_**TBC** _


	8. Attempt Suicide

**Chapter 8 : Attempt Suicide**

Emil was awakened by a sound from the room next to him. He could hear his brother's voice speaking over the phone pretty loudly, not sure of what was the cause. Wondering if it was Mikkel he was talking to, Emil slowly propped up on the bed, grimacing slightly. His body felt so heavy and it's getting much better than before. He swung his feet on the carpet and walked toward the bathroom to wake himself up with some cold water.

After getting himself ready and fully awake. He threw on the usual clothes he liked to wear. The white sleeved shirt and brown pants made him feel comfortable. Emil dropped on his bed and sighed, feeling his heartbeat become calmer by the second. His body was still not that fit to handle so many movements yet. He took a deep breath to get up only to be halted when the door suddenly swung open by Lukas. Both brothers look at each other for a moment until Emil frowned at his eldest.

"How are you feeling, Emil?" Lukas walked toward the bed and stared at Emil who was neatly dressed.

"Did you take a bath already?" Nodding with a frown, Emil mutely walked past his brother. Lukas watched him walk slowly and steadily to the entrance.

"Emil…" Lukas stopped when Emil raised his hand without facing the Norwegian.

"I don't need help." He stated before disappearing to the right. Lukas didn't move from his spot until a few moments when he heard a loud falling sound from the stairs. He saw him stumbled a few stairs and was clinging on the handle.

"Emil!" He rushed to help his baby brother who was wincing in pain.

You are still not well, Emil. Let me help you. Please." Lukas eyes hardened when he saw the look Emil was giving him. His brother bit his lip when Lukas pulled him up and circling his arm around his shoulder.

"Lukas, you don't need to –" he stopped when Lukas glared at him.

"I'm helping my brother, nothing is wrong about that." Emil squint his eyes at the blonde man who obviously did not want any objections coming from his mouth anymore.

They both were silent until they reached the dining room where Lukas put his brother on the sofa instead of the kitchen bench.

"I will bring your breakfast here. Wait." Lukas turned around, not wanting to listen to any of Emil's refusal.

Emil just shook his head and took the remote control, turning on the TV. He flipped through the channels boringly until he found a cartoon show. He didn't normally like to watch this kind of show, but in this boring and heavy silence, he wished for something to cheer his mind a little. His eyes were staring at the screen but his mind was somewhere else. He should be having a morning lesson today. Usually Xiao was already calling him to get up for the lesson. Today, he didn't even get a single call from the guy. He suddenly remembered the scene that had taken part a while ago. He remember the kiss, he remembered the crashing glass in the hospital chamber. He remembered the way he shoved his very best friend away from him, just because he got pissed. He was hoping that his brother was the first time he saw, but no. Those golden eyes which were staring at him in worry didn't belong to his brother. Now though, he felt kind of sad that he didn't act nice at all towards the Asian. After all, Xiao was the only person who knew about his problems and became like a human punching bag for relieving tension. Emil ran a hand over his face with a grunt. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to react to Xiao when he met the brunette again. Sooner or later, he should apologize anyway.

"What's wrong?" Lukas's voice made him jump a little in surprise. He quickly pulled his hand away from his face to see a tray of warm breakfast being put on top of the low table in front of him. Lukas was crouching down near the table, giving him a questioning look on his previous grunting sound. Emil blushed at the way his brother looked at him and quickly averted his gaze to his left side, embarrassed of how his brother could look so annoyingly cute. Not to mention that he wore an apron on top of his work clothes.

"Nothing." The silver hair guy mumbled, frowning never leave his brows. Lukas gave a sigh at his attitude.

"Emil, we need to talk." Lukas said, while pulling off the apron and standing up. He paused until Emil looked up facing him, making eye-contact. The curious look on Emil's face made Lukas take a deep breath and continue.

"I… will not be in this house for a while." Slowly registering the sentences in his brain, Emil's eyes widened as his heart clenched.

"Where are you going?" There was silence for a moment before the older continue.

"I'm going to Tino's house. Just for a while. I won't be long." Lukas quickly added the last sentences when he saw Emil's deep stare.

' _Tino's house? How unusual. They never really went contacting each other for so long and he decided to go there now? Liar. Just tell me that you are going to Mikkel's house. Such a good excuses. He's tired of me. He's starting to get tired of me.'_

"I see…" Emil mumbled and took his cup of drink. He drained it all and put the cup back with a loud clunk. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to him but anything that he wanted to say, any words that he wanted to spill for Lukas to not leave him alone, he couldn't say it. He couldn't bring that up. He couldn't even apologize for his behavior the other day, he was mad. He wasn't sure of what he was saying that made Lukas want to go away from him. Maybe he did act violently yesterday, but that was because he was starting to get tired at how things were. His brother always helped him in any small things, making Emil want him to be treated differently. Treated more than a brother.

Emil gritted his teeth as he held back his tears.

"Just go… Do what you like…" He whispered, loud enough for Lukas to hear. Maybe this was the best. Maybe this would make him forget about his brother.

Lukas eyed his brother sadly, even if Emil was looking down to his feet, palms clenching into a fists, he knew Emil more than anything. He was crying in the inside. He wanted so much to hug him, caress him, tell him that he won't be gone for long. But he held himself back. He didn't want Emil to misinterpreting his act as a lover.

"I won't be long." Lukas repeated the words with a heavy tone. He turned around and walked away from the dining room. He walked upstairs with a heavy weight over his shoulders. His brother wanted him to get away. Lukas slammed the door of his room shut. He eyed his luggage sadly. He had prepared for the worst; he also had called Tino this morning telling him that he will be coming over to his house.

"Damn it…" he cursed and walked towards his luggage, picking it up.

* * *

Xiao stared at his mobile phone on the table. It's true that usually he will have a lesson together with Emil, but seeing the situation and the hour past first lesson, the Icelandic guy wouldn't be coming anytime soon. Or not at all. Thinking that he probably should just go ahead to his house, Xiao picked up his things and swung his bag over his shoulder.

" _You should stay by his side. I know it's painful for you to be with him, but what he needs right now is someone who cares. Listen; take this as a chance for you to get his attention. Maybe because of this, you can be closer to him and make him forget about his brother."_

Xiao had to admit that sometimes, his Korean brother could be very annoying and couldn't stop sticking his nose in people's business. But he did give such a useful way out when people needed them. Xiao unlock his phone and called his eldest brother, telling him that he won't be home and that he will use the car until about night time before dinner.

* * *

Emil watched Lukas pull his luggage with him with trembling hands. His brother was getting away. If he wanted to stop him, he could. Instead, he couldn't and he just watched him without emotions. He didn't know whether it was his pride or fear that held himself up. Either way, it chewed inside him so painfully that he couldn't react when Lukas turned around to look at him for one last time.

"Emil… For now, please try to prevent from hurting yourself or even drink something that's dangerous. I won't be here watching you so… " Lukas stopped for a moment before he shook his head. Emil only stared at him with a stoic expression, much similar to himself. He was a fool to think (of thinking) that Emil might call out for him to stop leaving. Lukas clenched his hand against the handle of his luggage and turned around to walk away from the house. For the time being, he wouldn't be there and that saddened him to leave his beloved brother alone.

Emil's pupils shook shaking when he watched Lukas step out of the house. Who knows if he really _will_ be back?

' _He… He left me…'_

Emil's head started swimming when he watched his brother disappear from his sight behind the closed door. His legs gave out and he found himself kneeling down on the floor. Emil's body started to tremble quietly, heavily as he realized what just happened. The result of this brotherly love was never going to end good. He couldn't believe Lukas just walked out from the house, leaving him alone, for real. Emil's breath became harsher with the thoughts of Lukas hating him. He was no good as a brother. The Icelandic gave a loud sob while he started crouching down. _He was tired of me…_ He wasn't sure if he wanted to stay in the house any longer.

* * *

Tino came out from the dining room with his mind full of thoughts. His lover who was staring at him in silence finally decided to ask him what is wrong. Someone called him just now and is obviously his distant relative.

"Who just called?" Berwarld asked, getting attention from the spacing out Tino. The shorter guy looked up before putting his forefinger on his chin.

"It's Lukas. Remember my distance relative, Lukas? He said that he is heading here to stay over. I'm sorry Berwald, I know it's too sudden, but I got so excited to have him around again. We've been apart from each other for a few years. I hope you don't mind him staying over." Tino finished his sentences with a bright smile. Berwald hold his blush as seeing the blond guy in front of him. He was always too cute to resist.

"It's okay. I don't mind. But that's not something that I asked, actually. You seemed a bit troubled." Tino stopped smiling when the Swedish guy saw through him. He cursed himself mentally before answering.

"Looks like he got in trouble with Emil. I don't know though, I can't hear him clearly over the phone. He said he will explain things to me when he reaches here." His eyes met Berwald's who was frowning. Judging by the look of his expression, Tino could tell that he was worried.

"It's alright. I will talk to him and settled things right." The Finnish gave him a reassuring smile.

* * *

It was almost noon when Lukas's taxi pulled on the front of Tino's house. The couple immediately greeted him, lead him inside warmly. Tino had noticed Lukas's dark circle under his eyes, he would save that question until he settled down in the guest room. That's what he was thinking about as he put the luggage down in Lukas's prepared room. The Norwegian shifted his gaze on his cousin for a moment before clenching his fists.

"TIno… I… need help from you." He immediately said, making the Finnish look up to him surprised.

"Yes, Lukas. I believe that you came here for help. I've noticed your dark circle around your eyes, you look very tired. Your gestures are also not relaxed, and also, your sudden visit and staying over is just too sudden. What is wrong? I heard you were talking about Emil in the phone this morning, but I can't hear you clearly. I'm sorry." Tino had sat on Lukas's bed as the Norwegian was staring at him, listening to each words spilled from that mouth of his. Too fast. As usual. Not only that, he also noticed a few simple things.

"Yes, it's about Emil. I'm here because I need someone to help him out."

Tino shifted his gaze to Berwald who was standing against the wall, listening with his stoic expression. His arms crossed in front of his chest, as his light blue eyes stared at Tino's cousin carefully. He had known the man quite well, but the Norwegian rarely showed emotions. This is a serious problem, he knew it. Having seen lots of Tino's patients, he could sense people's uneasiness quiet well already. He caught Tino's eyes and gave him a small nod as an approval for questioning the problem to Lukas.

"Tell me what happened. Here, sit beside me, Lukas." Tino patted the bed and let the Norwegian sat comfortably. Tino was listening to the problems that had been going on the past days.

* * *

Emil stared at the ceiling with his blurry vision, he didn't know how long he had been lying on the cold hard floor. His mind was still clouded of Lukas's back walking away from him. He tried to think that it was all a dream, but it's a harsh reality that drove him mad. Why is he in love with his brother? Why can't he love someone else? Why? Xiao had confessed to him and he had turned him down, even rejecting him quiet harshly. The guy had not called him again after that, he was probably mad at him and left him alone because of that. Yes, he was alone now. Nobody cared for him anymore. Even his brother left him because he was disgusted with Emil loving him.

Emil slowly sat up, chuckling slightly as he ran his trembling hand to his forehead. He had had enough; he didn't need to live anymore. Maybe if he disappeared everyone would be satisfied. His breath became harsher when he thought about the conclusion. He bit his lower lip when he felt pain on his chest. As the blood dripping down his chin and to the floor, Emil stared at the blood. His forefinger lightly wiped it away, staring at the stain on his finger. He need more blood. He need sharps object to make himself disappear. Maybe… if he lost consciousness he would have a nice dream about him and Lukas being together. Loving each other. He had no more sleeping pills to make him fall asleep.

Emil's legs brought him up to stand and slowly walked toward the kitchen wobbly. He pulled the drawer where any sharp objects were stacked. His pupil trembled at the sight of a few knifes, still clean without any stain. Emil took one of the smallest knife and smiled sadly.

_If I disappear, Lukas will come back to this house… Lukas… will be free from me. He will be happy._

* * *

Yao was in a deep thought when Xiao called him just now. He was going to Emil's house? Could it be that something happened between them? Their relationship was pretty close after all. He needed the car for dinner actually, maybe after Xiao arrived at Emil's house, he could use Emil's car instead. Yao knew that the Icelandic got to use his brother's car sometimes. Maybe he should head there before the time he had to go there.

"Yong Soo, I'm going to Emil's house for a moment. Xiao is using the car, aru. I might bring the car with me, so you go dress yourself, aru. When I come back, we'll be going. Is it okay, aru?" Yao shouted while taking his jacket from the hanger. His Korean brother appeared from the living room and gave a nod.

"Its okay, Hyung-nim. I will wait." Yao smiled when he saw Yong Soo actually already wore neat clothes to go out.

"Wait here, aru." He quickly ran outside the house. Lucky that Emil's house is only a few blocks away.

* * *

Xiao pulled his car up to the front lawn on Emil's house. He turned off the engine and got out from the car without closing the door. He was thinking about taking Emil out from the house for a while, refreshing his mind a little from his brother. He looked right and left and found out that Lukas's car and Emil's motorcycle was still there. Wasn't Lukas was supposed to be at work? Or did he still take care of Emil? Is it alright to be absent from that café so much? Xiao stopped his thinking after he knocked on the door a few times but no one came to greet him.

 _'They should be… in the house, right?'_ Xiao frowned when he shifted his gaze to both vehicles. He slowly opened the door, surprised when it wasn't locked. As soon as he walked inside, he could sense a heavy silence in the living room. He walked inside, searching for any evidence of familiar faces but found none.

"Emil?" he called out quite loudly. He stopped on his track and he heard a water sound from the kitchen and a loud crackling drop sound to the ground. Xiao immediately ran to where the sound came from. As soon as he entered the kitchen, his eyes widened at the sight of Emil.

"Emil!" He shouted his name, surprising the Icelandic. The sight of blood mixed with water on his left arm gave Xiao a tight knot in his stomach. He gulped his saliva, preventing his need to vomit. He quickly pulled him away from the sink, turning the water off in the process. Emil's body already half wet, he hugged his friend who was trembling greatly as the lost of blood, but still trying to be conscious. How long had he been doing this? Xiao's eyes caught a knife landed on the floor, stained with blood. His expression turn into repulsion and pulled Emil's left arm. He saw a few gashes on his arm. Xiao's eyes watered as he saw a few of Emil's attempt to cut his own wrist.

"Emil, why did you do this? What happened? Where's Lukas?" Xiao was now trying to bring Emil up into his arms.

"W-h-wh-what are you… doing here…?" Emil's voice cracked as Xiao tried to pull him up in his arms. There was a track of tears in his cheek, surprising the Icelandic.

"I will bring you to the hospital!"

Emil struggled. "Leave me alone! Let me die!" Emil gave a chocked of cry, feeling his leg gave out and fall fully into the Asian's arms. Xiao was breathing heavily, trying to balance himself with his beloved crush in his arms.

"Please, don't! Don't leave me!" Xiao shouted as he was finally able to pick Emil up in his arms.

"Why are you doing this to me?! Do you enjoy seeing me suffer?" Emil's vision went blurry, his arms felt numb as the blood already dripped down to the floor, leaving tracks when Xiao walked towards the living room.

"Because I love you! I don't want you to die!" Xiao shouted at him, bringing Emil closer to his body. He grimaced when he saw the track of blood on the floor.

Emil's eyes turn cloudy when he heard him. _He loves me? Even after that harsh treatment… why?_

 _What the hell just happened? Where did Lukas go? Did they go into a fight?_ So many questions running through Xiao's head. A sudden familiar voice in the entrance made Xiao's head shoot up. Seeing his eldest brother in the front door made him sigh in relieve.

"Xiao, aru. I need to use the car, can you use Emil's car instead –" Yao's eyes widened at the sight of his brother with the bleeding and half wet Emil in his arms. The Asian turned pale and quickly ran closer to them.

"What happened, aru?!" He shouted, eyeing the half conscious Emil.

" _Gege_ , please let me use the car. I need to rush to the hospital!" Xiao said, almost out of breath, not because of Emil's weight, but more of the thought about the blood loss. The sight of the blood dripping down the floor also made him grow sick of it. He was surprised when Yao suddenly threw him a handkerchief.

"I will drive you there, aru! Try to wipe off the blood." Yao said and quickly ran to the car.

 _I'm sorry Yong Soo._ Yao gritted his teeth.

Xiao followed him immediately, feeling relieved. There will be a lot of explanation to do later.

* * *

Tino was staring in fear that Lukas when he had heard everything. His eyes fixed on his cousin as if Lukas had gone mad.

"Are you saying that you left him alone? In the house? With no one with him?" Tino quickly got up.

"He wanted me to leave, Tino."

"You can't!" Tino's sudden shout made Lukas look at him in surprise.

"You shouldn't leave him alone in the state as he is now, Lukas. We need to get going. Berwald, can you drive us there?" Berwald moved quickly after he heard his lover.

"But, Tino –"

"Lukas, we need to hurry. Just leave your belongings here, let's go!" Tino quickly pulled the Norwegian with him.

"What…" Lukas's blue eyes widened. As soon as he was pulled in to the car, his mobile phone buzzed with an unfamiliar number on the screen. He picked it up and pressed it against his ear. He recognized the Chinese accent.

"Lukas, aru. Your brother is in the hospital! Where the hell are you, aru?"

" _Gege, you shouldn't make a call in the hospital…"_ Lukas could hear Xiao's voice near him.

"Just go to the address I texted you, aru. Please be quick!" Yao cut the phone before Lukas could ask anything. His phone buzzed again; the message. He was starting to get panicked. What just happened? What had he done?

"Who is it?" Tino asked watching Lukas turn paler.

"Emil is in the hospital." Lukas gave him the mobile phone for the address, letting Tino read it out loud for Berwald to drive there.

"It's okay, we'll go there. It will be alright." Tino wrapped his arm around Lukas's shoulder, calming him down.

"It's my fault." Lukas clenched his fists together and pressed his forehead against it, gritting his teeth.

**TBC**


	9. Letting Go

Yao was standing against the wall, thinking over the things he just heard from Xiao. About the cause and the problems of Emil and the sleeping pills.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner, aru?" Yao frowned at Xiao who sat on the small bench across the room. They were waiting near the emergency room where Emil was being taken care off. They had cause quiet ruckus when they arrived at the hospital with the bleeding guy in Xiao's arms. Xiao, hearing his brother, slowly meeting his eyes with those golden eyes that were similar to his.

"You know you can't handle all of these on your own, aru! You should have told me or even his brother –"

"Lukas had known a while ago." Xiao cut him off. Yao stopped for a moment, unsure what to say to that fact. _The Norwegian guy isn't even in the house. How could he leave his brother just like that?!_

"I can't tell you, gege. I know you are over protective towards me. I don't want you to think that I have a friend who loves to drugs himself to sleep. That time with the herbal tea, actually I'm the one insisting Emil to drink it instead of drinking sleeping pills. He asked if we got sleeping pills in our house. I don't want you to shun him away from me. I… I need him... I…" Xiao bit his lips for a moment and looked down, unsure about how to explain things to his brother. He didn't want Yao to think disgusted of him because of loving the wrong guy. He needed Emil because the Icelandic is very dear to him. He only want Yao to understand that and did not interfere with his love life.

Yao stared at his brother who was looking down to his lap. The Chinese guy felt a pang of guilt creeping inside his heart. He didn't meant to be very over protective towards his youngest brother. Ever since his beloved brother, Kiku, left the house for good, he had promised himself to raise his youngest brother to the fullest. He didn't want the same thing happen again. But this outcome…

Yao walked towards him and kneel down before his brother who was surprised by the gesture.

"This is an important matter, Xiao Chun. I need to you understand this whole situation, aru. This is someone's life that's matter. You know how dangerous this is, you should seek for a help. You can't just leave things be and tried to handle all of this by yourself, aru. I'm willing to help as much as I can, Xiao. All you need to do is to open up to your elder so that they can think of some way to help out their younger family. It's not like we'll turn you down just because he's addicted to a drugs and tried to kill himself, aru. Emil needs help, aru. So, don't shoulder these all by yourself, Xiao!" Yao grabbed his shoulder firmly, staring at Xiao seriously. Xiao felt a heavy burdened being lifted up little by little. His lips turned into a small smile, he felt happy that Yao wouldn't take Emil away from him.

"Thank you, Gege." Xiao muttered and Yao gave a nod. He stood up feeling satisfied.

"Now what we need to do is having a talk with Lukas, aru." Yao hissed as he glared at his mobile phone angrily. The guy did not even call back.

Yao turned around when someone came outside the chamber of the hospital emergency room. Xiao immediately stood up in worried of the outcome coming for the doctor. They gave the doctor who was responsible for Emil's injury a worried look changed to relieve when he smiled and nodded at them.

"He's alright. Good thing is that Emil missed the main vein of his left wrist, or else it will be too late already. I also thank both of you to rush to the hospital to save him."

"Thank you, doctor. I'm so shocked when I found out about his condition, aru."

"He will be alright as long as there are not too much visitors. I will allow only the closest one of his."

"Alright. We'll check on him from time to time. Thank you, aru." The doctor nodded and was about to turn to leave when suddenly his assistance called him up when he got out from the room.

"Ludwig, about the suggestion I told you…" His Italian accent was pretty much calm while he gave him the papers.

"Ah, you are right, Feliciano. Yao-san, you should remember that Emil shouldn't be left alone. Can you do that? And also… I think he needed some kind of therapy, or probably hypnotherapy will be a much help. Please consider this. I'm sure that you can see how bad his mental condition is, right now. I know it's not a cheap cost, but if it's for someone's health…" The German doctor paused for a moment and adjusting his glasses, thinking. Yao was staring at him for a moment before he gave a sigh. Xiao's eyes looked at Yao, listening to each of the conversation mutely.

"He is… not my relative, but I will talk to his older brother of him. Thank you for recommending that to us, Doctor Ludwig." Yao's hand reached for the paper and the taller blonde gave him an understanding nod. He gave the paper to him and turned to walk away.

"Yao-san.. is it?" The assistance called Feliciano called him, making Yao turned fully attention to him.

"Yes, aru?"

"Here's the list of visiting hours and about his condition right now." Feliciano gave him another paper and medical stability. Yao nodded yet again.

"Thanks, aru. Xiao, do you want to go inside?" His brother only nod and slowly walked inside the chamber.

"We'll move him to another room tonight after visiting hours is over in about two hours from now. I will let you know his new room number." Feliciano explained to Yao. Yao gave another nod, thinking that these kind of information should be given to Lukas instead of himself. When he was about to answer, he heard a footsteps that were getting louder and louder heading towards their directions. Yao glared when he saw a bunch of Nordics people finally arrived.

"Yao, where is Emil?" Lukas's face look so pale then he already was. Yao grimaced when Lukas was being directed by Feliciano to the room. He quickly raised his hand, blocking the guy from entering. Feliciano was surprised when Yao suddenly pulled up his arm in the middle of their conversation.

"Where were you when your brother is sick, aru? Do you even know how bad his condition is?" Yao scowled when he saw Lukas's eyes.

"He.. he wants me to get away from him. I know it's my fault, but…" Lukas was trembling at the thought of Emil's dying. His brother… his beloved brother…

"Even if that's what he want you to do, you shouldn't have done that, aru! Your brother needs you the most! What kind of brother are you?!" Lukas's eyes widened when he was being reprimanded by the Chinese guy.

"You are not the one to talk, Yao! Your brother even left you alone." Cold Icy blue met flaring golden in fierce. Beside them, Feliciano was confused on where he should stop both of them from fighting. He raised his hand but no sounds came out as he was fidgeting. He was afraid to interfere.

"W-wait both of you~" he yelped when Yao shouted.

"Shut up, aru! I don't want to hear that from a person who left his brother alone when Emil needed you the most! I've heard it from Xiao, aru! I know about those feelings. I got my back sliced by a sword because of my brother's jealousy, aru! But I've ended things clearly to him! We are through! Did you even answer Emil's feeling towards you?"

"Don't think you understand anything, Yao." Yao was about to retort when Tino suddenly stepped in.

"Both of you, shut up, now! We are in the middle of the hall way with other patients nearby. You shouldn't cause a ruckus in the hospital!. Lukas, stop bringing the past! What's done is done. Yao, don't be such a child and let Lukas met his brother. I'm sure you understand how a brother feeling is, don't you?" Tino was glaring at each of them, making them staring at him in shocked.

"Now, go, Lukas. Visiting hours will be over soon. We'll be waiting here." Tino nodded to the room, making Lukas mutely walked towards the door and walked inside. All of them were still silent until Yao broke the silent.

"Tino, aru. Long time no see, aru." Yao sweat-dropping when Tino threw him a bright smile after that harsh scold.

"Long time no see, Yao. I must say that we are almost never bumped into each other anymore after we graduate from the university." He said as if nothing had happened. Yao scratched his head for a moment before he gave the form of a therapy for Emil to him.

"I think you might need it." He let TIno read the page through. He knew that his old friend studied psychology.

"I will take charge of his medication. But Emil himself shouldn't know about it, I guess." Yao blinked when he heard the Finnish guy. He didn't say anything when Tino flipped to another page. He was glad that someone was willing to take care of Emil.

Xiao who had been sitting beside the bed slowly turned his face to Lukas when he heard the door silently opened. His icy blue eyes met the flaring golden when Xiao raised his head to him. Lukas could see that Xiao had been holding Emil's hand the whole time. His eyes felt hot when he recognized so many bandages around his left arm and some scratches on his left palm. He hurriedly was hovering toward his brother when Xiao suddenly let out a heavy sound.

"Step back. Don't touch him." His eyes were glaring dagger at Lukas who was surprised with the tone of voice. His eyes widening at the Asian disbelieved.

"You know, Emil is my brother."

"You are not his brother when you left him dying in the house you two live in. Especially when he was just sick after he drugs himself." Xiao gritted his teeth remembering the memory and bloods. The house was left alone while they rushed into the hospital, he was sure that the house was pretty messy. It could be questioned to the neighbors about the blood and water everywhere.

Lukas stood up straight when he heard him.

"I know I'm not supposed to do that. I'm thinking about Emil's happiness but I don't understand how all of this could turn out to be like this. Why… Why it should be me he falls for? If you love him so much, tell him how you really feel!" Xiao was staring at him as if he had gone crazy.

"I will say that back at you, Lukas. You should explain about your feelings to him. He needs answers. Have you ever told him your feelings?" That was the second time that day when Lukas heard the same things being thrown to his face.

"If you are afraid of hurting him, then you should have let go from the very start." Xiao continued, eyeing him with some kind of disgusted look when Lukas only stared back at him mutely. The blonde man stiffened when suddenly his mobile phone vibrating silently. He pulled it out from his pocket and pressed it against his ear.

"Hello…"

"Lukas! Where are you? The house.. The house… Emil… Blood…!" Lukas gave an annoying 'tsk' when he heard an over-loud voice of Mikkel on the other line.

"I'm in the hospital now. I will head back. You stay where you are now. You can clean some while I'm heading back." Lukas ended the call before he got any other complain from the Danish man. Lukas looked back at Xiao who did not let go of Emil's hand while he continued gazing down at the guy. A sudden sad feeling welling up inside his heart when he watched the scene. Right before his eyes, Emil was already in someone else's heart. His brother who used to cling to him when he was little. Lukas scowled at the thought.

"I'm not ready to let go…" he whispered, surprising Xiao with the sentences. The older guy looked down to his feet, not daring to look at the Asian.

"But seeing that you care for him so much, I think I can today. Please take care of him while I will be busy with some other things, like… the house right now." Lukas raised his head to meet with Xiao's eyes. He was sure that he didn't need to be told twice. The Asian gave a nod before both eyes were back to Emil's sleeping form.

Lukas eyes met Tino's knowing eyes when he went outside the room. The Finnish guy gave him the medication form for Lukas to see. He took the paper of therapy, scanning the things that need to be done. He unconsciously gripping the paper, made it scrunched a bit before he bit his lip.

"Don't worry. I know what to do. Emil only needs to pour his heart. He needs someone to listen to his problems. And if a hypnotherapy is needed, I will do it. But for the meant time, don't say anything to him about the medication. Because I will only approach him to talk and let him pour his inside problems out. Emil might not want to do it if he knew that he was under medication." Tino explained the things that the Norwegian have to know. Lukas gave a nod slowly. He might not like the idea of Emil being treated like a crazy person that need psychotherapy, but he trusted Tino. He is after all that one that's pretty close to Emil when they are little.

Tino gave a small and patted Lukas's shoulder.

"Let's go back?" Tino asked, wondering if Lukas still want to stay in the hospital, at least until Emil wakes up. He was surprised when Lukas gave a nod.

"Xiao is with him, so I can leave Emil to his care. I… need to clean my house." Lukas said and Tino gave another nod.

"Okay, let's head there. I will help with all the things that I can offer."

When Lukas was back in the house, he found that Mikkel was crouching down the floor. The Dannish gave him a big grin at him, saying that he could at least clean a mess. Lukas gave a small smile, saying that he was usually the one who cause the mess. The smile turned to a sour one when he felt like crying, Mikkel quickly pulled him into a tight hug, letting Lukas gave a silent broke down over his brother. Tino and Berwald silently smiled at them, letting Lukas broke down is a good way. He was glad that Lukas's expression changed at least in front of Mikkel. Holding it inside will never do any good.


	10. Stay Alive

Emil slowly opened his eyes, taking in his surroundings. Even with his blurry vision he groaned when he knew where he was. The whiteness of the room and the beeping sounds from the IV along with the medical scent on his nostril made him want to puke. Emil shifted his body slightly, flinched when a sharp pain shoot through his entire left arm and hand. He blinked a few times as violet orbs looked down on the bandaged arm of his. There's an attached tube on the back his hand to the infusion wire, medical and food supplies when he slept. Emil frowned, flashes of memories ran in his mind and he grew despaired. He trembled at his own recalling, the feeling of nausea went to the pitch of his stomach. He wanted to hurl so badly now. Emil brought his good hand to his mouth, groaning as he tried to ignore the feeling. He was somehow glad that someone opened the door of his chamber and walked in. The so called features gave a sucked breath, running towards his bedside with a happy expression.

"Emil!" Emil's eyes widened when he recognized the voice. He stared at his best friend, the Asian brunet set the small bag in his hand which Emil assumed it's a takeaway food on the nightstand. Xiao stared down at him with a mixed expression between happy, worried, and sad. Xiao rarely show expression, but Emil could tell that the Asian had been worried sick of him.

"Bucket. I want to vomit." He said with a muffled voice, Xiao shot him a look before panicking on looking right and left. He spotted a large silver bowl for the emergency constipated not far from them, placed on top of the cabinet. He rushed to take the still clean bowl and went back to Emil in a hurry. Xiao helped Emil turned to his right side and put the bowl on the edge of the bed, holding it steadily as his other hand caressed Emil's back. Emil quickly adjusted his weight on his right arm, propped his body up and spilled the contain of his stomach into the bowl. He let Xiao massage the back of his neck which triggered his hurling, earning a groan as Emil emptied his stomach. He coughs a few times, eyes watered when he felt his heartburn stung.

Xiao gave him a few tissues to clean on his mouth, pulled the bowl away from him after he knew Emil had done.

"Feeling better?" He asked, putting the bowl aside on the table.

"Water." Emil replied shortly and Xiao walked away from him to take the glass on the other side of the bed. The Icelandic gargled as soon as he received what he asked for and Xiao let him spilled the water from his mouth into the previous bowl after he motioned it to him. Emil gave a huffed and lay back down on the bed fully, taking another tissue to clean up his mouth. Xiao took the dirtied tissues from him and walked towards the small bathroom across the bed. He threw the tissues into the trash can and flushed the substance from the bowl into the toilet. After he splashed the bowl with clean water, Xiao wiped it clean and brought it back with him outside the bathroom. He put the bowl on the nightstand which on the right side of the bed just in case Emil felt the need to hurl again. He walked over, bypassing the bed so that he could pull a chair close to the left side of the bed. The space on the right was too small for him to sit there, since it was not far from where the wall and windows were. Xiao shifted his gaze on Emil who stayed silent, giving an empty look on the white ceiling.

"I'm alive… aren't I?" Emil mumbled boringly, Xiao fisted his hands that were on his laps.

"Emil… stay alive. For me." Emil's eyes looked at the brunet; he couldn't believe that Xiao had the gut to command him like that. Their eyes met for a moment, but Emil did not give a reply to him. He simply just ignored the words and looked back to the ceiling before he closed his eyes. Xiao didn't press on the matter; his dearest friend was just waking up. He couldn't risk him getting more tired and feasted him with problems again, so he did not say anything when Emil closed his eyes, wanting to rest. He was glad that the Icelandic didn't have any attempted to harm himself for now, or maybe he was just too tired to move.

Xiao eyes looked back at the drawn curtain. It was passed midnight, the doctors had let him stay for the night, just to watch his friend and stay by his side. He was glad they let him do what he wanted. Xiao leaned against the chair with a soft sigh. He won't sleep unless he was really tired. He then leaned forward, taking Emil's hand into his gently and laid his upper body down against the side of the bed, closing his eyes. He was unaware that those violet eyes stared down at him when he started to drift off to sleep.

It was almost lunch time when Emil awakened by the sound of people talking. He could see Xiao was still sitting at the same place he had on the night. He was talking with his Chinese brother, seemed like they were arguing over something that they didn't notice he was awake.

"You have to eat something, aru! Listen , it's always the person who's taking care of a sick person become ill as well, because they are too caught up on taking care others. Don't be so reckless! Come on, let's get down to the lobby, and eat something! If you want, you can bring it here… That is if they let you bring it up. I'm not sure if they will though, that food is not for a sick person." Yao kept on rambling, Emil could see that Xiao was deliberately ignoring him. Xiao's surprised expression when those golden orbs found him awake made Emil rolled his eyes.

"Emil…" Yao stopped talking and whipped his head to the Icelandic guy.

"You awake, aru! How are you feeling?" he quickly walked closer to Emil, leaning down a bit to study his expression. Emil stared at both of them for a moment, letting out a soft sigh. What Emil said surprised both of them.

"I'm sorry… for causing trouble. You guys can… I… I'll do something for the hospital payment." Emil said, stuttering. Yao exchanged glances with his brother, before both of them gave a small understanding smile.

"Don't think about it. All you need to do is rest as much as you can. I will let Doctor Ludwig check on you. Your brother will be coming here in the evening, right after his shift" Yao patted Emil's shoulder lightly. Emil chose to ignore the information about Lukas. He looked at Xiao who only stayed silent.

"Eat." He commanded him, making Xiao blinked at him at the unexpected command. Yao threw Xiao a winning smile before he slapped Xiao on the back, earning a glare from him. Yao then walked away from the two.

"I will be in the cafeteria lobby after I call Doctor Ludwig to examine Emil." Yao waved casually while he exited the room. Xiao looked back to Emil who stared at him with a frown.

"Why are you still here? Go eat." He scolded the Asian when he did not attempt to move.

"I'm alright. How are you feeling?" Emil rolled his eyes when he was being questioned.

"I'm obviously not well, Xiao. I'll kill myself right now if you don't go to eat. You want me alive aren't you?" He grimaced at his best friend's widened eyes. Xiao was gaping at him like a fish; Emil couldn't help but snort at his funny look.

"Go eat and I will stay alive. Unless you want to follow my death by starving yourself, that is." Emil felt a pang of guilt when his sarcasms didn't work that well. Xiao was smiling at him in return, which made him scowl at him even more.

"I will be back." He rose to his feet, squeezing Emil's hand a little before letting go and walked out the chamber. Emil's eyes were never leaving him, even after the door closed, he continued to stare at it for long minutes. Emil bit his lower lip, pressing his palm on his forehead before cursing silently.

"I will stay alive… for only one person who cares… Damn, that sounds cheesy." He muttered to himself. He was about to roll to his side when the door opened and Ludwig came in with his assistance tailing him. Ludwig had examined him, asking if him to spill everything he was feeling right now. Emil only replied shortly on each question at his doctor while Feliciano scribbling and nodding at each replies he got. Ludwig told him and he'll be able to be discharged after a few days when Emil was stabilized enough to go. Feliciano changed Emil's bandages and the needle for his infusion, letting him know that he still needed them to let his body heal fast. Considering that Emil had taken a large amount of pills before he cuts himself, Feliciano told him that sometimes he'd hurl which was a good sign to let the drugs out. Emil then knew the reason why he vomited when he woke up and let Feliciano knew about it.

By the time the examination done, Xiao was already gone back to his room with a small bag in the hands. Emil then found out it was the same bag Xiao brought with him during last night. It was fortune cookies that have many wishes to get well soon. Emil wasn't sure if he was allowed to eat them, so Xiao only eat the cookies on his own. Emil watched with a sour expression when Xiao split another cookie in his hand and pulled the small message from the inside. He waited for Xiao to read it to him, hoping that this time it won't be another message like 'Get well soon' or 'Be Strong' or any other short and lame wishes.

"I need you to stay alive." Emil sucked in his breath when he heard him, Xiao slowly looked up to him, handing Emil the small paper. Reading the message, Emil gave a snort, clenching it tightly when he felt a lump on his throat. He swallowed nervously, eyes scanning the words again as they started welling up with tears. He ran the palm of his hand to his forehead, biting his lower lip.

"You liar…" Xiao's lips curved up to smile when Emil let out soft chuckling sounds. The small paper handed back to him before he looked over the letters again.

_Make your own wishes_

Xiao held Emil's hand when he heard a soft sniffling sound. When the Icelandic guy squeezed his hand in return, Xiao felt his chest clenched with so many emotions.

"Please promise me. Never harm yourself again." Emil gave a choked sob as he was unable to hold them in anymore. A small voice in his heart washed him with an overwhelming feeling. Emil realized it was his inner heart that spoke to him.

_There's always someone who cares for you, even it's just one person. Isn't that enough?_

Emil averted his gaze from Lukas when his deep-blue eyes stared at him with a regret look. Yao was right, he came during the evening.

"Don't give me that look." Emil muttered. Xiao said that he will be outside the room, waiting until Lukas finished with him. Mikkel was also stayed outside with Xiao, much to the Asian's chagrin.

"I'm sorry." Emil groaned, slamming his head on the pillow and turned his head away. He was stunned with what Lukas said after that.

"I'm sorry, I can't return your feelings, Emil." Emil was now gaping at him, propping himself up. Lukas only stared at his disbelieving look, he could see that his brother did not expect it to happen. Not today, when he was still in the hospital. Not during the time he was still recovering. But Lukas had chosen this time. By the look of Emil's, he knew he didn't regret of choosing the place and time to finally admit his feelings to his own brother.

"I… Why now? Wait, forget that. I…" Emil paused for a moment, he started to chew on his lower lip. His habit was bad, but he couldn't help it when he was nervous.

"I know." He ended his sentence. Lukas had been expecting Emil to throw tantrum, trying desperately to harm himself, or something worse. He was taken back when Emil did not do anything other than replying with only two words.

"I'm sorry." Lukas repeated, frowning when Emil sat up properly, squinting his violet eyes at the same word.

"It's fine." Emil looked down to his lap. "Thank you." He breathed, giving Lukas a small smile. Lukas astounded gazes made him feel uneasy.

"Emil… Are you alright?" Emil snorted. He had enough hearing that question from Xiao every time he woke up.

"I'm alright. Never been better, I guess… Just… Slightly pain on my left arm." Emil muttered, Lukas sat down on the chair, patting Emil's hand softly. He made sure to avoid the tube that was attached to Emil's vein in the back of his upper left hand.

"Don't do that again. Please, Emil. I… I don't want to lose my only brother." Lukas spilled his frustration.

"I'm sorry…" Emil gave him a reassuring smile, he never knew that his brother could look so… Emil quickly shoved that thought away. It had to end here. It will take time but he knew he could move on. His brother finally let him know his feelings. He could move on…

"I need you to stay alive." Lukas looked up from Emil's hand when the Icelandic flinched.

"Oh God. Not again. I've been hearing that sentence from Xiao, he had been chanting that to me numerous time already. Not you too." Lukas gave a small smile.

"He cares for you, a lot more than I am. You should thank him. He… saved your life. And mine too…" Lukas remembered the time when Xiao told him to know how he feels towards Emil. He was glad that he followed what Xiao told him to. Emil stayed still, letting the words seeped in.

"I know…" Those violet orbs looked down. He already knew about that, but he wasn't sure if he could return Xiao's feelings. There are still so many things to catch up.

"Have you eaten?" Lukas asked, eyeing the scattered plastics and crumbles of cookies on the nightstand. Emil followed his gaze and gave a smile.

"Lunch, not yet. I think it will come soon. Those crumbles were just from fortune cookies that Xiao bought. You can have some if you want. I think there's still some left in the bag." Emil nodded at his brother to let him have some. Lukas picked on cookies and un-wrapped the transparent plastic. He split it in a half and took the small message from it and gave a thin smile.

"I want you to have a happy ending." Lukas read it out loud; making Emil arched his brow at him weirdly.

"What?" Lukas gave the paper to him when Emil raised his good hand for it. He rolled his eyes when he found out it was another ' _Make your own wishes_ ' paper.

"Both of you are being stupid." He tossed the paper back to Lukas, earning a small chuckle from the older guy.

"Both?" Lukas already knew the answer even Emil did not reply him. He brought the cookies to his mouth, eyes not leaving him.

"Xiao."

"What did he say?"

"I need you to stay alive." The flat tone made Lukas stopped chewing; he gave a weird halted smile to his brother who made a face at the memory.

"That's right. Not only him who want you to stay alive." Emil looked down when he heard him. The door opened and the nurse brought a tray of food for Emil to eat. Xiao and Mikkel who wondered if Lukas had finished talking followed her inside. Looking at the siblings gave a small smile at both of them, made Xiao and Mikkel let out a breath of relieve. Both of them quickly walked towards their dearest person, laughing and chatting while Emil ate on the bed.

It was during sunset that Lukas and Mikkel had gone away back home. Xiao was reading his comic book while Emil rests himself on the bed. He had taken a painkiller and was feeling a bit drowsy. They were having a comfortable silent until Emil broke it with a soft sigh. Xiao looked up, knowing that his best friend needed to spill something out.

"Lukas…" Emil paused, studying Xiao's expression when he put his comic down. Those golden eyes flaring with worried for a second.

"Lukas said he couldn't return my feelings." Emil continued, shifting his gaze to the ceiling. Xiao did not change his stoic expression, but Emil could feel him stiffened.

"Emil…" Violet orbs were back to the brunet.

"I... you can cry." Xiao clenched his fists. No. Now is not the time to repeat what he had wanted to say. _I love you_ was better left un-said for now. Emil was staring at him with a blank expression for a moment, face contorted as he started to recoil. He quickly covered his face with his right hand, biting his lower lip that it bleeds. Xiao abruptly pulled his hand away and pressed his fingers on Emil's lip, earning a jolt of surprised and sucked breath from him. He eyed Xiao in shock, eyes gleaming with tears, gazing up to the brunet.

"No self-harm. You promised me." Xiao whispered, breath mingled on Emil's cheek while his body leaning against the bed. Emil gave a nervous laugh before he looked right into Xiao's eyes.

"I never said anything about the promise." Emil said, he was panting in between his sob, trying to compose himself from bawling like a baby. Xiao glared down at him seriously, making him stop breathing for a moment.

"What the hell, Xiao! I was just biting my lip. I'm not trying to bite my tongue, choke myself or whatever." He stuttered, trying to pull his hand away from Xiao's grip. Xiao gritted his teeth, knowing that's exactly the self-harm Emil was thinking about in a flash.

"Yes, you bite until you bleed. And don't you dare bite your tongue. Stop it. Don't run away from reality. The pain will not solve anything." Emil stopped struggling. He looked away from those eyes. He could see the expression softened when Xiao said the last sentence.

"I…" Emil gulped, daring himself to look back to Xiao's. "I promise." His voice was so soft that Xiao barely heard it, but it was enough to make him leaned down and hug Emil caringly. Emil gasped when Xiao's scent flow to his nose; he felt his cheek warm up at the physical contact.

"Xiao, you are crushing my left arm!" Emil protested, feeling relieved when Xiao pulled away as soon as he heard him.

"Sorry…" he gasped, blinking back. He didn't believe he could lose himself and just hug Emil without a second thought. Both of them awkwardly stared at each other until Xiao sat back on the chair. He shifted his gaze toward the empty bag of cookies. Emil stayed still when he watched his best friend cracked another cookies. He couldn't believe that his heart beating faster as he waited for what word he may read.

"Stay alive for me." Emil gave a growl at that.

"Oh God. I better get some rest." He rolled to his side, giving his back to Xiao who sniggered.

"Hey, that's what's written on the paper." Xiao said, tossing the paper to Emil's pillow right before his face. Emil picked the paper and read it. This time it was really what's written on it. He gave a snort and threw the paper behind him, not caring where it will land. This hospital's fortune cookies had nothing but cheesy lines ever.

"Shut up. I want some rest." Xiao rolled his eyes, not that Emil could see him. After ten minutes of silence, Xiao hovered on Emil's sleeping face. He stared at him for a moment, the medicine must have some sleeping effect, but only in the right amount. Making sure that Emil had really fallen asleep, Xiao gave a satisfied look before he leaned down to press a kiss on Emil's left ear-shell.

"Stay alive, so I can confess to you." He whispered as quiet as possible. Xiao straightened up, and turned back to his seat. He picked a comic book and started reading where he left off. Unknown by him, Emil's eyes widened as he felt his cheeks burning up. The sensation of Xiao's breath against his ear made his lip trembles, he could tell that his ear had turned red, which hopefully Xiao did not notice. Emil clenched his eyes shut, letting himself having an internal scream.

' _Have you no shame, Xiao?!'_

He could move on. He somehow knew he could move on… But… It was getting harder and harder to look at his best friend the same way again. But he will stay alive just so he could see where it will lead to.


	11. Positive Energy

Emil stared into his room, a puzzled expression written on his face as he looked at the newly cleaned bed. He looked over to his drawer. No pills, or any self-harm items were to be found. He watched as his brother sat on his bed, motioning for him to sit beside him. It felt weird, getting back to the usual routine, right after he had tried to kill himself a few days ago. Even with the small things such as trying to drown himself into a dreamland and never wake up.

"Stop staring, just sit down." Lukas muttered, waiting for the Icelander to mutely obey him. A few minutes passed and Lukas wrapped his arm around his brother's shoulder, pulling him closer.

"Lukas…" Emil warned him.

"I know, this is just affection between brothers." The younger of the two nodded before swatting his hand away.

"I'm no longer a child, so stop doing that!" He hissed at him angrily. Lukas looked away, his lips tugging into a smile.

"I guess I have to for now, but someone will likely replace me sometime soon."

Emil huffed at him and stood up. "I don't know about that…" He said and winced as he slowly peeled off the bandages from his injured wrist.

Lukas stared at him while Emil inspected his wound.

"Tino would like to talk to you about something… You'll see him in routine. Are you okay with this, Emil?"

Emil frowned at the inquiry, for he knew that Tino was a psychiatrist. "Is he going to hypnotize me or something?" The bland question threw his brother off.

Their eyes met for a second before Emil exhaled softly.

"Just do what you think is right for me." Emil waved his hand at him nonchalantly.

"You're not going to object?" That surely brought surprise to Lukas, he never thought that Emil would immediately agree to it so fast. The silver haired boy looked down on his left hand, clenching and unclenching his fist for a moment before opening his mouth.

"Apparently, someone wants me to stay alive so that he can confess…" Emil shook his head, he couldn't stop the smirk gracing his lips. Lukas's eyes widened, he brought his hand to his mouth to hide his chuckle. Emil was stunned by the time he realized that Lukas was, indeed, laughing. He snorted and shook his head.

"Yes, go laugh all you want." He snickered and took his bag to pull out his clothes, which he had been using in the hospital, and threw each of them into the hamper.

* * *

Xiao shot Emil a look once he received the news. They were just talking in front of the living room of Emil's house when the Icelander told him what Lukas had planned. The thought of Emil going to a psychiatrist was somewhat scary, but if that could make him feel better,then... why not? Xiao's gripped the pillow with force as he leaned forward to confirm it.

"Are you alright with that?"

Emil shrugged. "I've stayed with him when I was a kid, I'm sure it'll be alright. We're just going to talk, nothing else. Maybe he'll do some kind of tricks on me, but it wouldn't hurt to try."

Xiao stilled as he watched him closely, he wondered if Emil had somehow changed. "Are you sure?"

Emil growled and threw him the pillow he was holding. "Quit it, both you and Lukas are the same!" His eye twitched when Xiao caught the pillow before it hit his face.

"I'm not your brother." Xiao muttered, eyes shifting to the side.

"Yeah… yeah…" The silver hair boy leaned back to the comfy sofa. He yelped when a pillow got thrown at him from his so called best friend. His face turned red when Xiao laughed at him.

"Some friend you are." He marched forward to swing the pillow to the Asian. They both had a small pillow fight until they ran out of breaths. Emil was gasping heavily once he felt his head hurt.

"Damn it, this is your fault." Emil mumbled while clutching his head.

Xiao patted his back. "Don't move around too much."

The teen grunted while he leaned into the sofa next to his best friend. "Says the one who started it!" he looked up only to see the Asian hovering above him with a tender smile. He sucked in his breath when Xiao leaned down to kiss his forehead.

"I just wanted to see you have some fun." Xiao chuckled when he was shoved away by the blushing Icelander.

"Get off!" Emil stuttered, cupping his face with his hand to try to hide his blush.

"I did promise you, once you've recovered that I'd say those three words."

Emil rolled his eyes. "Say it now, I might not be alive tomorrow…"

"What?!"

"If you're not going to say it, I'm not going to talk with Tino and have him help me."

"Emil, that's not fair…"

"Well, it's up to you…" The smirk tugging on his lips made Xiao wince.

"Fine… I love you!"

Both of them looked at each other before Emil cringed.

"That doesn't sound romantic at all…"

"You're right…" The awkward silence hung between both of them, neither daring to break it. Emil's hands were fisting the pillow beneath him, he bit his lip as his heart beat faster.

'I'll stay alive… I will… until the end of my life just to hear him repeating those words again and again…'

On the other side of the wall, Lukas sighed as he crossed his arms. Mikkel was trying his best not to laugh.

"How are we going to walk past the living room, now?" Lukas muttered. Adolescences… He sighed yet again, at least his brother got someone special in his heart now. He peeked into the living room, deciding to help him break the awkward silent. He stepped inside, pretending that he did not hear a thing, he gave a teasing look at Emil's relieved one. His brother was glad that Lukas came to the rescue.

The hand tugged on his left hand, Emil looked down to see Xiao had put his hand on top of his. He looked away, pretending that he didn't care, but he did not shove his hand away.

* * *

Tino was smiling from ear to ear. He had gathered his documents for Emil's check up. The boy who sat in front of him silently observed the papers given to him.

"So I guess since now you had some knowledge on how we are going to do this, I want you to read this sentences every day." Tino said, clapping his hands. He picked up his large notebook, started scribbling through his paper.

"We don't always have to go hypnotized session. We will see as the story progress from your part. So, Emil. What I wanted you to do now is, tell me how you are feeling right now." Tino said, eyeing him after he finished with his sentence.

Emil frowned at him. "What I'm feeling? Right now?"

Tino nodded. "Yes, tell me everything you are feeling. You can spill everything up. Anything good you are eating this morning? Anything weird going within your surroundings? Do tell me about it. I'm here to listen."

Emil scratched his head, a little bit confused. "I don't see anything can relate to my suicide attempt but… okay… I'm good. I eat eggs and bacon this morning. Apparently Lukas burnt it a bit. And then Xiao… He asked me to let him come with me to your house. He got classes so I told him not to."

Tino nodded, scribbling down to his notebook. He poured everything Emil said into bullet points. "Anything else that you would like to tell me?"

Emil looked down. "Xiao… He seemed annoying lately."

For a moment of silent, Tino finally looked up from his note.

"Annoying?" the man pressed the word. Emil nodded in return.

"Uhh yea… kinda…"

"How annoying is he? Does that bother you a lot?"

Emil shook his head. "Not really… it's just that… he had never done that before so it's kinda new to me. It will take time but I will get used to it."

"Do you want him to stop?"

Another shook of his head and Tino nodded.

"Alright. If that's alright with you. Anything else?"

Emil poured his day to Tino. Their first session was nothing like he had imagined it will be like. It seemed normal. It felt good to have someone to talk to. Tino had never laugh or even told him to stop rambling. All he ask was a simple question in which make him thought his day was actually quiet colorful. This kind of session was actually not a bad idea.

"You smiled." Tino suddenly pointed it out to him.

Emil blinked. "Huh?"

"You just smiled. Did you think of something?"

"Ah well… I just thought it's nice to have someone to share like this. Believe me when I'm thinking my first session will end up having me all tied down and you will do some kind of crazy tricks on me."

Tino burst out laughing. "No no, it will only needed if that patient badly wanted to hurt himself or having a nervous breakdown much heavier than you are. But, actually I've been thinking about hypnotizing you to be a better person. We won't jump into that until I see your progress worsen. We'll keep doing this until you are stable enough. I just saw you smile, it's a good thing." Tino put his pen down.

"It's been an hour. Here, drink this water. You've been talking non-stop. We'll end this session with the word I gave you just now. I will be right back."

Emil did what Tino told him and waited. He picked the note and read through this. So it's like a magic word to hypnotize yourself everyday unintentionally. Tino walked back to him with a snack, gave it to him and sat in front of him again.

"Okay, repeat after me. You have to say it full of confident."

Emil nodded.

"My name is Emil. I have the right and now have a gratifying health, wealth and happiness. I feel my life is free, as they should be. I am blessed, happy, peaceful and happy…"

Emil read it along with a pleasant feeling. It was like he himself told him that. The entire positive aura seems to gathered within his mind.

"I'm important… I'm useful… I'm worth living. Every day I am grateful for all the blessings I have received. I'm happy for the kindness I have received. Thank you… Thank you… Thank you." Emil said to himself, smiling down to the note he had read for the third day.

"What's that?" Xiao asked, looking over the note Emil was reading. The silver hair boy looked up to the Asian boy.

"Just something Tino gave me to read every day." The boy smiled, nodding after he read the text.

"It's something to boost your energy and positive aura. It's a good thing. Keep on reading it every day and you will see live in a different perspective." Xiao fumed, smiling to himself.

Emil snorted. "Yea yea… whatever…"

Xiao patted his head. "Let me give you another positive energy." Xiao smiled, leaning down to him. Much to Emil's surprised, Xiao kissed his forehead.

"Wha-"

"There, my positive energy for you." The brunette smirked at how red his boyfriend was.

"What did you do that for?!"

"I'm just comforting my boyfriend. Is that wrong?"

"Since when are we a couple?!" Emil protested.

"Since we confessed to each other that day…" Xiao nodded.

"We did not! I don't agree to such thing!"

"Oh Emil, don't lie to yourself."

"Shut it, Xiao!" Xiao dodge his attack, laughing when Emil missed his punch.

It was worth it. The positive energy.

**TBC**

SO… finally… I continue this… Anyway, if you guys noticed, the positive energy Emil was reading has actually got some more lines to it. It's like a self-motivation thing to motivate yourself to think positive every day. I read it once a day during the morning before I start my work. I myself have some short therapy session with my cousin, he is a specialist of hypnotherapy as well. It's refreshing :D


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